No Fear Shakespeare: Twelfth Night: Act 2 Scene 5

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Twelfth Night

William Shakespeare

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Original Text	Modern Text
Enter SIR TOBY BELCH , SIR ANDREW , and FABIAN	Enter SIR TOBY BELCH , SIR ANDREW , and FABIAN
SIR TOBY BELCH Come thy ways, Signior Fabian.	SIR TOBY BELCH Come thy ways, Signior Fabian.
FABIAN Nay, I’ll come. If I lose a scruple of this sport, let me be boiled to death with melancholy.	FABIAN Nay, I’ll come. If I lose a scruple of this sport, let me be boiled to death with melancholy.
SIR TOBY BELCH Wouldst thou not be glad to have the niggardly rascally sheep-biter come by some notable shame?	SIR TOBY BELCH Wouldst thou not be glad to have the niggardly rascally sheep-biter come by some notable shame?
FABIAN I would exult, man. You know, he brought me out o' favor with my lady about a bear-baiting here.	FABIAN I would exult, man. You know, he brought me out o' favor with my lady about a bear-baiting here.
SIR TOBY BELCH To anger him, we’ll have the bear again, and we will fool him black and blue. Shall we not, Sir Andrew?	SIR TOBY BELCH To anger him, we’ll have the bear again, and we will fool him black and blue. Shall we not, Sir Andrew?
SIR ANDREW 10 An we do not, it is pity of our lives.	SIR ANDREW An we do not, it is pity of our lives.
SIR TOBY BELCH Here comes the little villain.	SIR TOBY BELCH Here comes the little villain.
Enter MARIA	Enter MARIA
How now, my metal of India?	How now, my metal of India?
MARIA Get you all three into the boxtree. Malvolio’s coming down this walk. He has been yonder i' the sun practising behavior to his own shadow this half hour. Observe him, for the love of mockery, for I know this letter will make a contemplative idiot of him. Close, in the name of jesting!	MARIA Get you all three into the boxtree. Malvolio’s coming down this walk. He has been yonder i' the sun practising behavior to his own shadow this half hour. Observe him, for the love of mockery, for I know this letter will make a contemplative idiot of him. Close, in the name of jesting!
They hide	They hide
Lie thou there (throwing down a letter), for here comes the trout that must be caught with tickling.	Lie thou there (throwing down a letter), for here comes the trout that must be caught with tickling.
Exit	Exit
Enter MALVOLIO	Enter MALVOLIO
MALVOLIO 'Tis but fortune, all is fortune. Maria once told me she did affect me, and I have heard herself come thus near, that, should she fancy, it should be one of my complexion. Besides, she uses me with a more exalted respect than anyone else that follows her. What should I think on ’t?	MALVOLIO 'Tis but fortune, all is fortune. Maria once told me she did affect me, and I have heard herself come thus near, that, should she fancy, it should be one of my complexion. Besides, she uses me with a more exalted respect than anyone else that follows her. What should I think on ’t?
SIR TOBY BELCH 25 (aside) Here’s an overweening rogue!	SIR TOBY BELCH (aside) Here’s an overweening rogue!
FABIAN (aside) O, peace! Contemplation makes a rare turkey-cock of him. How he jets under his advanced plumes!	FABIAN (aside) O, peace! Contemplation makes a rare turkey-cock of him. How he jets under his advanced plumes!
SIR ANDREW (aside) 'Slight, I could so beat the rogue!	SIR ANDREW (aside) 'Slight, I could so beat the rogue!
SIR TOBY BELCH (aside) Peace, I say.	SIR TOBY BELCH (aside) Peace, I say.
MALVOLIO 30 To be Count Malvolio!	MALVOLIO To be Count Malvolio!
SIR TOBY BELCH (aside) Ah, rogue!	SIR TOBY BELCH (aside) Ah, rogue!
SIR ANDREW (aside) Pistol him, pistol him.	SIR ANDREW (aside) Pistol him, pistol him.
SIR TOBY BELCH (aside) Peace, peace!	SIR TOBY BELCH (aside) Peace, peace!
MALVOLIO There is example for ’t. The lady of the Strachy married the yeoman of the wardrobe.	MALVOLIO There is example for ’t. The lady of the Strachy married the yeoman of the wardrobe.
SIR ANDREW (aside) Fie on him, Jezebel!	SIR ANDREW (aside) Fie on him, Jezebel!
FABIAN (aside) O, peace! Now he’s deeply in. Look how imagination blows him.	FABIAN (aside) O, peace! Now he’s deeply in. Look how imagination blows him.
MALVOLIO Having been three months married to her, sitting in my state—	MALVOLIO Having been three months married to her, sitting in my state—
SIR TOBY BELCH (aside) Oh, for a stone-bow, to hit him in the eye!	SIR TOBY BELCH (aside) Oh, for a stone-bow, to hit him in the eye!
MALVOLIO Calling my officers about me, in my branched velvet gown, having come from a daybed, where I have left Olivia sleeping—	MALVOLIO Calling my officers about me, in my branched velvet gown, having come from a daybed, where I have left Olivia sleeping—
SIR TOBY BELCH 45 (aside) Fire and brimstone!	SIR TOBY BELCH (aside) Fire and brimstone!
FABIAN (aside) O, peace, peace!	FABIAN (aside) O, peace, peace!
MALVOLIO And then to have the humor of state, and after a demure travel of regard, telling them I know my place as I would they should do theirs, to ask for my kinsman Toby—	MALVOLIO And then to have the humor of state, and after a demure travel of regard, telling them I know my place as I would they should do theirs, to ask for my kinsman Toby—
SIR TOBY BELCH 50 (aside) Bolts and shackles!	SIR TOBY BELCH (aside) Bolts and shackles!
FABIAN (aside) O peace, peace, peace! Now, now.	FABIAN (aside) O peace, peace, peace! Now, now.
MALVOLIO Seven of my people, with an obedient start, make out for him. I frown the while, and perchance wind up watch, or play with my—some rich jewel. Toby approaches, curtsies there to me—	MALVOLIO Seven of my people, with an obedient start, make out for him. I frown the while, and perchance wind up watch, or play with my—some rich jewel. Toby approaches, curtsies there to me—
SIR TOBY BELCH (aside) Shall this fellow live?	SIR TOBY BELCH (aside) Shall this fellow live?
FABIAN (aside) Though our silence be drawn from us with cars, yet peace.	FABIAN (aside) Though our silence be drawn from us with cars, yet peace.
MALVOLIO I extend my hand to him thus, quenching my familiar smile with an austere regard of control—	MALVOLIO I extend my hand to him thus, quenching my familiar smile with an austere regard of control—
SIR TOBY BELCH (aside) And does not Toby take you a blow o' the lips then?	SIR TOBY BELCH (aside) And does not Toby take you a blow o' the lips then?
MALVOLIO Saying, “Cousin Toby, my fortunes having cast me on your niece give me this prerogative of speech—”	MALVOLIO Saying, “Cousin Toby, my fortunes having cast me on your niece give me this prerogative of speech—”
SIR TOBY BELCH (aside) What, what?	SIR TOBY BELCH (aside) What, what?
MALVOLIO 65 “You must amend your drunkenness.”	MALVOLIO “You must amend your drunkenness.”
SIR TOBY BELCH (aside) Out, scab!	SIR TOBY BELCH (aside) Out, scab!
FABIAN (aside) Nay, patience, or we break the sinews of our plot.	FABIAN (aside) Nay, patience, or we break the sinews of our plot.
MALVOLIO “Besides, you waste the treasure of your time with a foolish knight—”	MALVOLIO “Besides, you waste the treasure of your time with a foolish knight—”
SIR ANDREW 70 (aside) That’s me, I warrant you.	SIR ANDREW (aside) That’s me, I warrant you.
MALVOLIO “One Sir Andrew—”	MALVOLIO “One Sir Andrew—”
SIR ANDREW (aside) I knew ’twas I, for many do call me fool.	SIR ANDREW (aside) I knew ’twas I, for many do call me fool.
MALVOLIO (seeing the letter) What employment have we here?	MALVOLIO (seeing the letter) What employment have we here?
FABIAN (aside) Now is the woodcock near the gin.	FABIAN (aside) Now is the woodcock near the gin.
SIR TOBY BELCH (aside) O, peace! And the spirit of humors intimate reading aloud to him!	SIR TOBY BELCH (aside) O, peace! And the spirit of humors intimate reading aloud to him!
MALVOLIO (picking up the letter) By my life, this is my lady’s hand these be her very C’s, her U’s and her T’s and thus makes she her great P’s. It is, in contempt of question, her hand.	MALVOLIO (picking up the letter) By my life, this is my lady’s hand these be her very C’s, her U’s and her T’s and thus makes she her great P’s. It is, in contempt of question, her hand.
SIR ANDREW 80 (aside) Her C’s, her U’s and her T’s. Why that?	SIR ANDREW (aside) Her C’s, her U’s and her T’s. Why that?
MALVOLIO (reads) “To the unknown beloved, this, and my good wishes”—Her very phrases! By your leave, wax. Soft! And the impressure her Lucrece, with which she uses to seal. 'Tis my lady. To whom should this be?	MALVOLIO (reads) “To the unknown beloved, this, and my good wishes”—Her very phrases! By your leave, wax. Soft! And the impressure her Lucrece, with which she uses to seal. 'Tis my lady. To whom should this be?
FABIAN 85 (aside) This wins him, liver and all.	FABIAN (aside) This wins him, liver and all.
MALVOLIO (reads) “Jove knows I love, But who? Lips, do not move; 90 No man must know.”	MALVOLIO (reads) “Jove knows I love, But who? Lips, do not move; No man must know.”
MALVOLIO “No man must know.” What follows? The numbers altered. “No man must know.” If this should be thee, Malvolio?	MALVOLIO “No man must know.” What follows? The numbers altered. “No man must know.” If this should be thee, Malvolio?
SIR TOBY BELCH (aside) Marry, hang thee, brock!	SIR TOBY BELCH (aside) Marry, hang thee, brock!
MALVOLIO (reads) “I may command where I adore, But silence, like a Lucrece knife, With bloodless stroke my heart doth gore; M.O.A.I. doth sway my life.”	MALVOLIO (reads) “I may command where I adore, But silence, like a Lucrece knife, With bloodless stroke my heart doth gore; M.O.A.I. doth sway my life.”
FABIAN 100 (aside) A fustian riddle!	FABIAN (aside) A fustian riddle!
SIR TOBY BELCH (aside) Excellent wench, say I.	SIR TOBY BELCH (aside) Excellent wench, say I.
MALVOLIO “M.O.A.I. doth sway my life.” Nay, but first, let me see, let me see, let me see.	MALVOLIO “M.O.A.I. doth sway my life.” Nay, but first, let me see, let me see, let me see.
FABIAN (aside) What dish o' poison has she dressed him!	FABIAN (aside) What dish o' poison has she dressed him!
SIR TOBY BELCH 105 (aside) And with what wing the staniel checks at it!	SIR TOBY BELCH (aside) And with what wing the staniel checks at it!
MALVOLIO “I may command where I adore.” Why, she may command me. I serve her, she is my lady. Why, this is evident to any formal capacity. There is no obstruction in this. And the end—what should that alphabetical position portend? If I could make that resemble something in me—Softly! M.O.A.I.—	MALVOLIO “I may command where I adore.” Why, she may command me. I serve her, she is my lady. Why, this is evident to any formal capacity. There is no obstruction in this. And the end—what should that alphabetical position portend? If I could make that resemble something in me—Softly! M.O.A.I.—
SIR TOBY BELCH (aside) O, ay, make up that.—He is now at a cold scent.	SIR TOBY BELCH (aside) O, ay, make up that.—He is now at a cold scent.
FABIAN (aside) Sowter will cry upon ’t for all this, though it be as rank as a fox.	FABIAN (aside) Sowter will cry upon ’t for all this, though it be as rank as a fox.
MALVOLIO 115 “M”—Malvolio. “M”—why, that begins my name.	MALVOLIO “M”—Malvolio. “M”—why, that begins my name.
FABIAN (aside) Did not I say he would work it out? The cur is excellent at faults.	FABIAN (aside) Did not I say he would work it out? The cur is excellent at faults.
MALVOLIO “M.” But then there is no consonancy in the sequel that suffers under probation “A” should follow but “O” does.	MALVOLIO “M.” But then there is no consonancy in the sequel that suffers under probation “A” should follow but “O” does.
FABIAN 120 (aside) And “O” shall end, I hope.	FABIAN (aside) And “O” shall end, I hope.
SIR TOBY BELCH (aside) Ay, or I’ll cudgel him and make him cry “O!”	SIR TOBY BELCH (aside) Ay, or I’ll cudgel him and make him cry “O!”
MALVOLIO And then “I” comes behind.	MALVOLIO And then “I” comes behind.
FABIAN (aside) Ay, an you had any eye behind you, you might see more detraction at your heels than fortunes before you.	FABIAN (aside) Ay, an you had any eye behind you, you might see more detraction at your heels than fortunes before you.
MALVOLIO “M.O.A.I.” This simulation is not as the former, and yet to crush this a little, it would bow to me, for every one of these letters are in my name. Soft, here follows prose.	MALVOLIO “M.O.A.I.” This simulation is not as the former, and yet to crush this a little, it would bow to me, for every one of these letters are in my name. Soft, here follows prose.
(reads) “If this fall into thy hand, revolve. In my stars I am above thee, but be not afraid of greatness. Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon 'em. Thy Fates open their hands. Let thy blood and spirit embrace them. And, to inure thyself to what thou art like to be, cast thy humble slough and appear fresh. Be opposite with a kinsman, surly with servants.	(reads) “If this fall into thy hand, revolve. In my stars I am above thee, but be not afraid of greatness. Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon 'em. Thy Fates open their hands. Let thy blood and spirit embrace them. And, to inure thyself to what thou art like to be, cast thy humble slough and appear fresh. Be opposite with a kinsman, surly with servants.
Let thy tongue tang arguments of state. Put thyself into the trick of singularity. She thus advises thee that sighs for thee. Remember who commended thy yellow stockings and wished to see thee ever cross-gartered. I say, remember. Go to, thou art made, if thou desir’st to be so; if not, let me see thee a steward still, the fellow of servants, and not worthy to touch Fortune’s fingers. Farewell. She that would alter services with thee, The Fortunate Unhappy”	Let thy tongue tang arguments of state. Put thyself into the trick of singularity. She thus advises thee that sighs for thee. Remember who commended thy yellow stockings and wished to see thee ever cross-gartered. I say, remember. Go to, thou art made, if thou desir’st to be so; if not, let me see thee a steward still, the fellow of servants, and not worthy to touch Fortune’s fingers. Farewell. She that would alter services with thee, The Fortunate Unhappy”
Daylight and champaign discovers not more. This is open. I will be proud, I will read politic authors, I will baffle Sir Toby, I will wash off gross acquaintance, I will be point- devise the very man. I do not now fool myself, to let imagination jade me, for every reason excites to this, that my lady loves me. She did commend my yellow stockings of late, she did praise my leg being cross-gartered, and in this she manifests herself to my love, and with a kind of injunction, drives me to these habits of her liking. I thank my stars I am happy. I will be strange, stout, in yellow stockings, and cross-gartered, even with the swiftness of putting on. Jove and my stars be praised! Here is yet a postscript.	Daylight and champaign discovers not more. This is open. I will be proud, I will read politic authors, I will baffle Sir Toby, I will wash off gross acquaintance, I will be point- devise the very man. I do not now fool myself, to let imagination jade me, for every reason excites to this, that my lady loves me. She did commend my yellow stockings of late, she did praise my leg being cross-gartered, and in this she manifests herself to my love, and with a kind of injunction, drives me to these habits of her liking. I thank my stars I am happy. I will be strange, stout, in yellow stockings, and cross-gartered, even with the swiftness of putting on. Jove and my stars be praised! Here is yet a postscript.
(reads) “Thou canst not choose but know who I am. If thou entertainest my love, let it appear in thy smiling. Thy smiles become thee well. Therefore in my presence still smile, dear my sweet, I prithee.”	(reads) “Thou canst not choose but know who I am. If thou entertainest my love, let it appear in thy smiling. Thy smiles become thee well. Therefore in my presence still smile, dear my sweet, I prithee.”
Jove, I thank thee! I will smile. I will do everything that thou wilt have me.	Jove, I thank thee! I will smile. I will do everything that thou wilt have me.
Exit	Exit
FABIAN I will not give my part of this sport for a pension of thousands to be paid from the Sophy.	FABIAN I will not give my part of this sport for a pension of thousands to be paid from the Sophy.
SIR TOBY BELCH I could marry this wench for this device.	SIR TOBY BELCH I could marry this wench for this device.
SIR ANDREW So could I too.	SIR ANDREW So could I too.
SIR TOBY BELCH And ask no other dowry with her but such another jest.	SIR TOBY BELCH And ask no other dowry with her but such another jest.
SIR ANDREW 170 Nor I neither.	SIR ANDREW Nor I neither.
Enter MARIA	Enter MARIA
FABIAN Here comes my noble gull-catcher.	FABIAN Here comes my noble gull-catcher.
SIR TOBY BELCH Wilt thou set thy foot o' my neck?	SIR TOBY BELCH Wilt thou set thy foot o' my neck?
SIR ANDREW Or o' mine either?	SIR ANDREW Or o' mine either?
SIR TOBY BELCH Shall I play my freedom at tray-trip, and become thy bondslave?	SIR TOBY BELCH Shall I play my freedom at tray-trip, and become thy bondslave?
SIR ANDREW I' faith, or I either?	SIR ANDREW I' faith, or I either?
SIR TOBY BELCH Why, thou hast put him in such a dream that when the image of it leaves him he must run mad.	SIR TOBY BELCH Why, thou hast put him in such a dream that when the image of it leaves him he must run mad.
MARIA Nay, but say true, does it work upon him?	MARIA Nay, but say true, does it work upon him?
SIR TOBY BELCH 180 Like aqua vitae with a midwife.	SIR TOBY BELCH Like aqua vitae with a midwife.
MARIA If you will then see the fruits of the sport, mark his first approach before my lady. He will come to her in yellow stockings, and ’tis a color she abhors, and cross-gartered, a fashion she detests. And he will smile upon her, which will now be so unsuitable to her disposition, being addicted to a melancholy as she is, that it cannot but turn him into a notable contempt. If you will see it, follow me.	MARIA If you will then see the fruits of the sport, mark his first approach before my lady. He will come to her in yellow stockings, and ’tis a color she abhors, and cross-gartered, a fashion she detests. And he will smile upon her, which will now be so unsuitable to her disposition, being addicted to a melancholy as she is, that it cannot but turn him into a notable contempt. If you will see it, follow me.
SIR TOBY BELCH To the gates of Tartar, thou most excellent devil of wit!	SIR TOBY BELCH To the gates of Tartar, thou most excellent devil of wit!
SIR ANDREW I’ll make one too.	SIR ANDREW I’ll make one too.
Exeunt	Exeunt