No Fear Shakespeare: Twelfth Night: Act 2 Scene 3

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Twelfth Night

William Shakespeare

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Original Text

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Original Text	Modern Text
Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and SIR ANDREW	Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and SIR ANDREW
SIR TOBY BELCH Approach, Sir Andrew. Not to be abed after midnight is to be up betimes, and diluculo surgere, thou know’st,—	SIR TOBY BELCH Approach, Sir Andrew. Not to be abed after midnight is to be up betimes, and diluculo surgere, thou know’st,—
SIR ANDREW Nay, my troth, I know not. But I know to be up late is to be up late.	SIR ANDREW Nay, my troth, I know not. But I know to be up late is to be up late.
SIR TOBY BELCH A false conclusion. I hate it as an unfilled can. To be up after midnight and to go to bed then, is early, so that to go to bed after midnight is to go to bed betimes. Does not our life consist of the four elements?	SIR TOBY BELCH A false conclusion. I hate it as an unfilled can. To be up after midnight and to go to bed then, is early, so that to go to bed after midnight is to go to bed betimes. Does not our life consist of the four elements?
SIR ANDREW Faith, so they say, but I think it rather consists of eating and drinking.	SIR ANDREW Faith, so they say, but I think it rather consists of eating and drinking.
SIR TOBY BELCH Thou'rt a scholar. Let us therefore eat and drink. Marian, I say! A stoup of wine!	SIR TOBY BELCH Thou'rt a scholar. Let us therefore eat and drink. Marian, I say! A stoup of wine!
Enter FOOL	Enter FOOL
SIR ANDREW Here comes the fool, i' faith.	SIR ANDREW Here comes the fool, i' faith.
FOOL How now, my hearts! Did you never see the picture of “We 15 Three”?	FOOL How now, my hearts! Did you never see the picture of “We Three”?
SIR TOBY BELCH Welcome, ass. Now let’s have a catch.	SIR TOBY BELCH Welcome, ass. Now let’s have a catch.
SIR ANDREW By my troth, the fool has an excellent breast. I had rather than forty shillings I had such a leg, and so sweet a breath to sing, as the fool has.—(to the FOOL) In sooth, thou wast in very gracious fooling last night when thou spokest of Pigrogromitus, of the Vapians passing the equinoctial of Queubus. 'Twas very good, i' faith. I sent thee sixpence for thy leman. Hadst it?	SIR ANDREW By my troth, the fool has an excellent breast. I had rather than forty shillings I had such a leg, and so sweet a breath to sing, as the fool has.—(to the FOOL) In sooth, thou wast in very gracious fooling last night when thou spokest of Pigrogromitus, of the Vapians passing the equinoctial of Queubus. 'Twas very good, i' faith. I sent thee sixpence for thy leman. Hadst it?
FOOL I did impeticos thy gratillity, for Malvolio’s nose is no whipstock. My lady has a white hand, and the Myrmidons are no bottle-ale houses.	FOOL I did impeticos thy gratillity, for Malvolio’s nose is no whipstock. My lady has a white hand, and the Myrmidons are no bottle-ale houses.
SIR ANDREW Excellent! Why, this is the best fooling when all is done. Now, a song.	SIR ANDREW Excellent! Why, this is the best fooling when all is done. Now, a song.
SIR TOBY BELCH (giving money to the FOOL) 30 Come on. There is sixpence for you. Let’s have a song.	SIR TOBY BELCH (giving money to the FOOL) Come on. There is sixpence for you. Let’s have a song.
SIR ANDREW (giving money to the FOOL) There’s a testril of me too. If one knight give a—	SIR ANDREW (giving money to the FOOL) There’s a testril of me too. If one knight give a—
FOOL Would you have a love song or a song of good life?	FOOL Would you have a love song or a song of good life?
SIR TOBY BELCH A love song, a love song.	SIR TOBY BELCH A love song, a love song.
SIR ANDREW 35 Ay, ay. I care not for good life.	SIR ANDREW Ay, ay. I care not for good life.
FOOL (sings) O mistress mine, where are you roaming? O, stay and hear! Your true love’s coming, That can sing both high and low: Trip no further, pretty sweeting. Journeys end in lovers meeting, Every wise man’s son doth know.	FOOL (sings) O mistress mine, where are you roaming? O, stay and hear! Your true love’s coming, That can sing both high and low: Trip no further, pretty sweeting. Journeys end in lovers meeting, Every wise man’s son doth know.
SIR ANDREW Excellent good, i' faith.	SIR ANDREW Excellent good, i' faith.
SIR TOBY BELCH Good, good.	SIR TOBY BELCH Good, good.
FOOL (sings) What is love? 'Tis not hereafter. Present mirth hath present laughter. What’s to come is still unsure. In delay there lies no plenty. Then come kiss me, sweet and twenty. Youth’s a stuff will not endure.	FOOL (sings) What is love? 'Tis not hereafter. Present mirth hath present laughter. What’s to come is still unsure. In delay there lies no plenty. Then come kiss me, sweet and twenty. Youth’s a stuff will not endure.
SIR ANDREW A mellifluous voice, as I am true knight.	SIR ANDREW A mellifluous voice, as I am true knight.
SIR TOBY BELCH A contagious breath.	SIR TOBY BELCH A contagious breath.
SIR ANDREW Very sweet and contagious, i' faith.	SIR ANDREW Very sweet and contagious, i' faith.
SIR TOBY BELCH To hear by the nose, it is dulcet in contagion. But shall we make the welkin dance indeed? Shall we rouse the night owl in a catch that will draw three souls out of one weaver? Shall we do that?	SIR TOBY BELCH To hear by the nose, it is dulcet in contagion. But shall we make the welkin dance indeed? Shall we rouse the night owl in a catch that will draw three souls out of one weaver? Shall we do that?
SIR ANDREW An you love me, let’s do ’t. I am dog at a catch.	SIR ANDREW An you love me, let’s do ’t. I am dog at a catch.
FOOL 60 By 'r lady, sir, and some dogs will catch well.	FOOL By 'r lady, sir, and some dogs will catch well.
SIR ANDREW Most certain. Let our catch be “Thou Knave.”	SIR ANDREW Most certain. Let our catch be “Thou Knave.”
FOOL “Hold thy peace, thou knave,” knight? I shall be constrained in ’t to call thee knave, knight.	FOOL “Hold thy peace, thou knave,” knight? I shall be constrained in ’t to call thee knave, knight.
SIR ANDREW 'Tis not the first time I have constrained one to call me 65 “knave.” Begin, Fool. It begins “Hold thy peace.”	SIR ANDREW 'Tis not the first time I have constrained one to call me “knave.” Begin, Fool. It begins “Hold thy peace.”
FOOL I shall never begin if I hold my peace.	FOOL I shall never begin if I hold my peace.
SIR ANDREW Good, i' faith. Come, begin.	SIR ANDREW Good, i' faith. Come, begin.
Catch sung	Catch sung
Enter MARIA	Enter MARIA
MARIA What a caterwauling do you keep here! If my lady have not called up her steward Malvolio and bid him turn you out of doors, never trust me.	MARIA What a caterwauling do you keep here! If my lady have not called up her steward Malvolio and bid him turn you out of doors, never trust me.
SIR TOBY BELCH My lady’s a Cataian. We are politicians, Malvolio’s a Peg- a-Ramsey, and (sings) Three merry men be we.—Am not I consanguineous? Am I not of her blood? Tillyvally! “Lady”! (sings) There dwelt a man in Babylon, lady, lady!	SIR TOBY BELCH My lady’s a Cataian. We are politicians, Malvolio’s a Peg- a-Ramsey, and (sings) Three merry men be we.—Am not I consanguineous? Am I not of her blood? Tillyvally! “Lady”! (sings) There dwelt a man in Babylon, lady, lady!
FOOL 75 Beshrew me, the knight’s in admirable fooling.	FOOL Beshrew me, the knight’s in admirable fooling.
SIR ANDREW Ay, he does well enough if he be disposed, and so do I too. He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural.	SIR ANDREW Ay, he does well enough if he be disposed, and so do I too. He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural.
SIR TOBY BELCH (sings) O' the twelfth day of December—	SIR TOBY BELCH (sings) O' the twelfth day of December—
MARIA For the love o' God, peace!	MARIA For the love o' God, peace!
Enter MALVOLIO	Enter MALVOLIO
MALVOLIO My masters, are you mad? Or what are you? Have you no wit, manners, nor honesty but to gabble like tinkers at this time of night? Do you make an alehouse of my lady’s house, that you squeak out your coziers' catches without any mitigation or remorse of voice? Is there no respect of place, persons, nor time in you?	MALVOLIO My masters, are you mad? Or what are you? Have you no wit, manners, nor honesty but to gabble like tinkers at this time of night? Do you make an alehouse of my lady’s house, that you squeak out your coziers' catches without any mitigation or remorse of voice? Is there no respect of place, persons, nor time in you?
SIR TOBY BELCH We did keep time, sir, in our catches. Sneck up!	SIR TOBY BELCH We did keep time, sir, in our catches. Sneck up!
MALVOLIO Sir Toby, I must be round with you. My lady bade me tell you, that, though she harbors you as her kinsman, she’s nothing allied to your disorders. If you can separate yourself and your misdemeanors, you are welcome to the house. If not, an it would please you to take leave of her, she is very willing to bid you farewell.	MALVOLIO Sir Toby, I must be round with you. My lady bade me tell you, that, though she harbors you as her kinsman, she’s nothing allied to your disorders. If you can separate yourself and your misdemeanors, you are welcome to the house. If not, an it would please you to take leave of her, she is very willing to bid you farewell.
SIR TOBY BELCH (sings) Farewell, dear heart, since I must needs be gone.	SIR TOBY BELCH (sings) Farewell, dear heart, since I must needs be gone.
MARIA Nay, good Sir Toby.	MARIA Nay, good Sir Toby.
FOOL (sings) His eyes do show his days are almost done.	FOOL (sings) His eyes do show his days are almost done.
MALVOLIO Is ’t even so?	MALVOLIO Is ’t even so?
SIR TOBY BELCH (sings) But I will never die.	SIR TOBY BELCH (sings) But I will never die.
FOOL (sings) Sir Toby, there you lie.	FOOL (sings) Sir Toby, there you lie.
MALVOLIO This is much credit to you.	MALVOLIO This is much credit to you.
SIR TOBY BELCH (sings) Shall I bid him go?	SIR TOBY BELCH (sings) Shall I bid him go?
FOOL (sings) What an if you do?	FOOL (sings) What an if you do?
SIR TOBY BELCH (sings) Shall I bid him go, and spare not?	SIR TOBY BELCH (sings) Shall I bid him go, and spare not?
FOOL (sings) O no, no, no, no, you dare not.	FOOL (sings) O no, no, no, no, you dare not.
SIR TOBY BELCH Out o' tune, sir. You lie. Art any more than a steward? Dost thou think, because thou art virtuous, there shall be no more cakes and ale?	SIR TOBY BELCH Out o' tune, sir. You lie. Art any more than a steward? Dost thou think, because thou art virtuous, there shall be no more cakes and ale?
FOOL Yes, by Saint Anne, and ginger shall be hot i' the mouth too.	FOOL Yes, by Saint Anne, and ginger shall be hot i' the mouth too.
SIR TOBY BELCH Thou'rt i' the right. Go, sir, rub your chain with crumbs. A stoup of wine, Maria!	SIR TOBY BELCH Thou'rt i' the right. Go, sir, rub your chain with crumbs. A stoup of wine, Maria!
MALVOLIO Mistress Mary, if you prized my lady’s favor at anything more than contempt, you would not give means for this uncivil rule. She shall know of it, by this hand.	MALVOLIO Mistress Mary, if you prized my lady’s favor at anything more than contempt, you would not give means for this uncivil rule. She shall know of it, by this hand.
Exit	Exit
MARIA Go shake your ears!	MARIA Go shake your ears!
SIR ANDREW 'Twere as good a deed as to drink when a man’s a-hungry, to challenge him the field and then to break promise with him and make a fool of him.	SIR ANDREW 'Twere as good a deed as to drink when a man’s a-hungry, to challenge him the field and then to break promise with him and make a fool of him.
SIR TOBY BELCH Do ’t, knight. I’ll write thee a challenge. Or I’ll deliver thy indignation to him by word of mouth.	SIR TOBY BELCH Do ’t, knight. I’ll write thee a challenge. Or I’ll deliver thy indignation to him by word of mouth.
MARIA Sweet Sir Toby, be patient for tonight. Since the youth of the count’s was today with thy lady, she is much out of quiet. For Monsieur Malvolio, let me alone with him. If I do not gull him into a nayword and make him a common recreation, do not think I have wit enough to lie straight in my bed. I know I can do it.	MARIA Sweet Sir Toby, be patient for tonight. Since the youth of the count’s was today with thy lady, she is much out of quiet. For Monsieur Malvolio, let me alone with him. If I do not gull him into a nayword and make him a common recreation, do not think I have wit enough to lie straight in my bed. I know I can do it.
SIR TOBY BELCH 125 Possess us, possess us, tell us something of him.	SIR TOBY BELCH Possess us, possess us, tell us something of him.
MARIA Marry, sir, sometimes he is a kind of puritan.	MARIA Marry, sir, sometimes he is a kind of puritan.
SIR ANDREW O, if I thought that, I’d beat him like a dog!	SIR ANDREW O, if I thought that, I’d beat him like a dog!
SIR TOBY BELCH What, for being a puritan? Thy exquisite reason, dear knight?	SIR TOBY BELCH What, for being a puritan? Thy exquisite reason, dear knight?
SIR ANDREW I have no exquisite reason for ’t, but I have reason good enough.	SIR ANDREW I have no exquisite reason for ’t, but I have reason good enough.
MARIA The devil a puritan that he is, or anything constantly, but a time-pleaser; an affectioned ass that cons state without book and utters it by great swarths; the best persuaded of himself, so crammed, as he thinks, with excellencies, that it is his grounds of faith that all that look on him love him. And on that vice in him will my revenge find notable cause to work.	MARIA The devil a puritan that he is, or anything constantly, but a time-pleaser; an affectioned ass that cons state without book and utters it by great swarths; the best persuaded of himself, so crammed, as he thinks, with excellencies, that it is his grounds of faith that all that look on him love him. And on that vice in him will my revenge find notable cause to work.
SIR TOBY BELCH What wilt thou do?	SIR TOBY BELCH What wilt thou do?
MARIA I will drop in his way some obscure epistles of love, wherein by the color of his beard, the shape of his leg, the manner of his gait, the expressure of his eye, forehead, and complexion,he shall find himself most feelingly personated.	MARIA I will drop in his way some obscure epistles of love, wherein by the color of his beard, the shape of his leg, the manner of his gait, the expressure of his eye, forehead, and complexion,he shall find himself most feelingly personated.
I can write very like my lady your niece: on a forgotten matter we can hardly make distinction of our hands.	I can write very like my lady your niece: on a forgotten matter we can hardly make distinction of our hands.
SIR TOBY BELCH Excellent! I smell a device.	SIR TOBY BELCH Excellent! I smell a device.
SIR ANDREW 145 I have ’t in my nose too.	SIR ANDREW I have ’t in my nose too.
SIR TOBY BELCH He shall think, by the letters that thou wilt drop, that they come from my niece, and that she’s in love with him.	SIR TOBY BELCH He shall think, by the letters that thou wilt drop, that they come from my niece, and that she’s in love with him.
MARIA My purpose is, indeed, a horse of that color.	MARIA My purpose is, indeed, a horse of that color.
SIR ANDREW And your horse now would make him an ass.	SIR ANDREW And your horse now would make him an ass.
MARIA 150 Ass, I doubt not.	MARIA Ass, I doubt not.
SIR ANDREW Oh, ’twill be admirable!	SIR ANDREW Oh, ’twill be admirable!
MARIA Sport royal, I warrant you. I know my physic will work with him. I will plant you two, and let the fool make a third, where he shall find the letter. Observe his construction of it. For this night, to bed, and dream on the event. Farewell.	MARIA Sport royal, I warrant you. I know my physic will work with him. I will plant you two, and let the fool make a third, where he shall find the letter. Observe his construction of it. For this night, to bed, and dream on the event. Farewell.
Exit	Exit
SIR TOBY BELCH Good night, Penthesilea.	SIR TOBY BELCH Good night, Penthesilea.
SIR ANDREW Before me, she’s a good wench.	SIR ANDREW Before me, she’s a good wench.
SIR TOBY BELCH She’s a beagle, true-bred, and one that adores me. What o' that?	SIR TOBY BELCH She’s a beagle, true-bred, and one that adores me. What o' that?
SIR ANDREW 160 I was adored once too.	SIR ANDREW I was adored once too.
SIR TOBY BELCH Let’s to bed, knight. Thou hadst need send for more money.	SIR TOBY BELCH Let’s to bed, knight. Thou hadst need send for more money.
SIR ANDREW If I cannot recover your niece, I am a foul way out.	SIR ANDREW If I cannot recover your niece, I am a foul way out.
SIR TOBY BELCH Send for money, knight. If thou hast her not i' the end, call me “Cut.”	SIR TOBY BELCH Send for money, knight. If thou hast her not i' the end, call me “Cut.”
SIR ANDREW 165 If I do not, never trust me, take it how you will.	SIR ANDREW If I do not, never trust me, take it how you will.
SIR TOBY BELCH Come, come, I’ll go burn some sack. 'Tis too late to go to bed now. Come, knight. Come, knight.	SIR TOBY BELCH Come, come, I’ll go burn some sack. 'Tis too late to go to bed now. Come, knight. Come, knight.
Exeunt	Exeunt