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The Third Agreement: “Don’t make assumptions.”

Ruiz presents the Third Agreement (“Don’t make assumptions”) as an extension of the second agreement (“Don’t take anything personally”). According to Ruiz, taking things personally and making assumptions are the root of all suffering and the dream of hell. Because assumptions are based on lies that we deem to be truth, they are no better than gossip, spreading emotional poison through misunderstandings and misinformation. We fear asking for clarification and clear communication and instead make false assumptions that we will then later feel the need to defend and justify, further spreading the poison. Making assumptions is particularly harmful to relationships when we assume that others know what we want or need, and then, when they do not, we make further assumptions to justify our initial assumption. The harm comes by then assuming that others do not care about us.

Ruiz states that our need for assumptions replaces our need for communication and creates fear within our minds. By assuming that everyone believes the same way we do, we fear being our authentic selves and being rejected, all because we have already rejected ourselves, and think that others will do the same, thus justifying our fear. We also make assumptions about ourselves, and what we can do, such as assuming that our love will change people. However, Ruiz argues that this is not love. Love is accepting people as they are, and no amount of assumptions can change a person if they do not want to change. We must accept ourselves as we are and only accept love from those who truly accept us as we are, as those are the only ones who truly love us. By refusing to let assumptions rule our lives and choosing instead to communicate clearly, we form a habit over time, and our words become impeccable.

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