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Jennette McCurdy’s memoir, I’m Glad My Mom Died, is a moving exploration of the complexities of family relationships, self-actualization, and the struggle for independence. From early childhood, Jennette’s world revolves around pleasing her controlling mother, Debra McCurdy, who is referred to throughout the memoir as “Mom.” Mom pushes Jennette into an acting career and dictates every aspect of her life. The memoir opens with a hospital scene in which Jennette hopes to jolt Mom out of a coma by announcing that she has reached Mom’s unrealistically low goal weight for her. This establishes a key theme of the book, highlighting the unhealthy nature of the central mother-daughter relationship and setting up Jennette’s struggle to define herself outside of Mom’s expectations.

Read more about how abuse masqueraded as love in Mom and Jennette’s toxic relationship (Main Idea #1).

To fulfill Mom’s ambitions, six-year-old Jennette dutifully attends auditions despite her own secret dislike of acting, illustrating that Jennette quashes her true self for her mother from a very young age. As Jennette’s acting career takes off, Mom’s grip on her intensifies, and Jennette isn’t even allowed to take a shower alone, illustrating the tyranny Mom has over Jennette, denying her even the most basic bodily autonomy. Jennette’s appearance becomes an asset that Mom works hard to enhance through home beauty treatments that leave Jennette feeling ugly and inadequate. Mom, who survived cancer when Jennette was younger, often uses her survivor story to manipulate others to do her bidding and encourages Jennette to exploit the sob story, too. Jennette’s ability to cry on cue gets her many roles, and Mom never questions why Jennette’s tears are so convincing, ignoring the real emotional turmoil her child displays. Jennette’s childlike body is another marketable asset, and Mom encourages her to delay puberty by restricting her calorie intake, another way that Mom represses Jennette’s innate potential, literally and figuratively keeping her small.

Read more about who Mom is.

Despite eventually finding some independence through her acting career, Jennette struggles deeply with her identity and self-worth. She finds little satisfaction in fame and loathes being associated with the wisecracking, food-loving Sam Puckett, the character she plays on the children’s TV  show iCarly. Even after Mom’s death, the pressure to conform to her expectations leads Jennette to stick with acting. Since her sense of self is so deeply entangled with Mom’s approval, Jennette continues to seek validation for her appearance even after Mom dies, and her negative body image culminates in a battle with bulimia. Her desire to please others, rooted in her upbringing, makes her vulnerable to exploitation not just by Mom, but also by people like The Creator, her network boss. The Creator’s interest in her sexuality, indicated by his demand to see her in a bikini and his voyeuristic interest in supervising an on-camera kiss, leaves her feeling vulnerable. She also denies her own needs in her romantic relationships, which often mirror her relationship with Mom. Throughout these challenges, Jennette tries to find her own voice. She begins to see her mother as the architect of a life she never wanted.

Read more about who the Creator is.

It isn’t until Jennette finally seeks treatment for her bulimia that she comes face-to-face with the realization that Mom’s abuse is the root cause of most of her problems, including her eating disorder. This realization further complicates her memory of Mom, as Jennette grapples with conflicting emotions of love, grief, resentment, and the desire for autonomy. With the help of intensive therapy, she begins to take back control, not just of her eating habits, but also her life. She sells the house she hates, introduces herself to the biological father she has only recently learned about, throws out her bathroom scale, and breaks up with her drug-addicted boyfriend. Realizing she dislikes how little control actors have over their careers, she also decides to give up acting. Jennette’s journey towards recovery culminates in a poignant moment of triumph as she savors a chocolate chip cookie without the urge to binge or purge.

Read more about who Jennette is.

McCurdy chooses to bring her memoir to a close with a visit to Mom’s grave—one that she says will be her last. This visit marks a profound shift in Jennette’s perspective. Initially burdened by guilt for not visiting Mom’s grave more frequently, Jennette realizes her feelings have evolved. She now recognizes her earlier, romanticized image of Mom as flawed and is able to acknowledge the abuse and exploitation she endured. Despite still missing Mom profoundly in certain ways, Jennette realizes Mom’s continued influence over her life would only have perpetuated her own suffering. This realization marks a significant moment of closure and acceptance for Jennette as she embraces the complexity of her relationship with Mom, along with the reality of her grief, while moving forward with a newfound sense of self.

Read a brief essay about child abuse and exploitation in Hollywood.

 

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