Previous Next

Driven by her need to please, Jennette accompanies Steven to various churches, even though she has no personal religious convictions. This alternative to therapy allows her to protect her narrative of Mom from external scrutiny. However, Steven’s sudden vow of celibacy leaves Jennette once again without a sense of control in her relationship. Amidst these personal challenges, Jennette is confronted with the bombshell announcement by Dad that he is not her biological father. This revelation raises questions about Mom’s choices and honesty. As Jennette prepares to travel to Australia, she plans to share the news about her paternity with Steven, only to be blindsided by his revelation that he believes himself to be Jesus Christ reincarnated. Despite her concerns for Steven’s mental health, Jennette is forced to leave on her promotional trip for her Netflix series. On the 14-hour flight, in which she eats and purges constantly, Jennette is horrified to lose a tooth while vomiting. This physical manifestation of damage serves as a stark reminder that her eating disorder puts her health at risk. Prompted, ironically, by an Ariana Grande song, she begins to consider the idea of focusing on her own well-being.

Home from her trip, Jennette takes a proactive step in addressing her bulimia by seeking help from an eating disorder specialist, Jeff. Jeff weighs her during their initial session, which, though traumatic, signals to Jennette that he is serious and committed to her recovery. While her treatment progresses, Jennette’s personal life also improves, as Steven finds stability through psychiatric treatment. Jennette makes progress with Jeff, although normalizing her eating is hard work and emotionally stressful. The most important thing Jeff teaches her is that slips are to be expected, but she shouldn’t let a slip become a full-scale relapse. His insight into shame’s role in perpetuating unhealthy behaviors also provides Jennette with a valuable perspective on her journey to recovery. While Jennette makes progress in her healing, Steven begins to use marijuana to manage the stress of his schizophrenia diagnosis. He is almost catatonic most days and has given up all his activities, including work. Despite Jennette’s efforts to support him, she is unable to help him overcome his addiction. This contrast in their respective journeys shows how complex it can be to recover from a mental health crisis.

Read an important quote about Jennette’s journey towards healing.

Jennette’s therapy sessions help her to deal not just with her bulimia, but also with other sources of stress in her life. One such stressor is her house, which has always felt like a burden. With Jeff’s guidance, she finds the courage to sell it, despite opposition from her Grandma, who sometimes tries to control her the way Mom did. Jennette also decides to introduce herself to her biological father, a jazz musician. When she approaches him after a show, he admits he knew about her and her brothers but reveals that his relationship with Mom ended badly. Jennette leaves with mixed feelings, not knowing whether she will see him again, but glad to feel some closure. Another major step Jennette takes is to get rid of her bathroom scale—an object which has defined her identity for too long. But perhaps the biggest decision Jeff helps her make is to end things with Steven. With Jeff’s guidance, she comes to understand the codependent nature of their relationship. The breakup marks a significant turning point in Jennette’s personal development, as she learns to stop seeking external validation through relationships with others and focus on her personal needs.

Read more about Main Idea #3: Personal growth and healing can be achieved through hard work.

Another major change takes place in Jennette’s life when her managers announce that her Netflix series has been cancelled. While her team suggests submitting her for new roles, Jennette surprises them by expressing a desire to take a break from acting altogether. By now, Jennette understands that some of her discomfort with acting stems from the limited control actors have over their careers. Although it took time and therapy for Jennette to feel ready to give up acting, she is at peace with her decision, which marks a newfound sense of agency and autonomy. Having finally gained better control of her eating habits, she wants the rest of her life to be in her own hands, too. By the time Jennette celebrates her twenty-sixth birthday with Miranda at Disneyland, she has come a long way towards achieving this goal. Although she’s no longer strictly a bulimic, her relationship with food is still fraught, and she ends up purging in the Adventureland restroom. However, momentary losses of self-control no longer send her into full-blown relapse. Thinking of how Mom’s life was defined by her relationship with food until the very end, Jennette vows that, unlike Mom, she will get better.

In the final chapters of the memoir, Jennette reaches many recovery milestones. One such milestone is the simple ability to enjoy a cookie at an event without purging afterwards. Another milestone is that she no longer seeks validation through pleasing others. When Miranda asks her to take part in an iCarly reboot, she doesn’t feel pressured to cooperate but gives a firm refusal. Perhaps the greatest milestone of all is her ability to face the reality of who Mom really was. As Jennette has come to understand her own history of abuse better, her weekly pilgrimages to Mom’s grave taper off. Therapy and self-reflection have shown her that Mom doesn’t deserve to be romanticized. Mom’s death left Jennette with many layers of grief, not just from her passing, but also from learning to accept that Mom abused and exploited her. Although Jennette still misses certain aspects of Mom’s character, such as her pep talks and childlike spirit, she acknowledges that Mom’s influence had never been a positive one. In the last chapter, when Jennette decides that she isn’t going back to visit Mom’s grave anymore, she finally sets herself free from Mom’s toxic legacy of shame and guilt.

Previous section After: Chapters 56-73 Next section Full Book Summary & Analysis

Take a Study Break