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Chapter 1—You Can’t Win an Argument

In this chapter, Carnegie suggests that avoiding arguments is better than engaging in them. He claims that even when people win arguments, they will make the other person in the argument feel inferior. People will try to establish their importance by pushing back and yelling if their ideas and claims are challenged. One should endeavor to find common ground and try to examine both viewpoints. The chapter closes with a list of advice from Bits and Pieces magazine, including: control your temper, listen first, be honest, and thank your opponents sincerely for their interest. The chapter closes with Principle 1: The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

Chapter 2—A Sure Way of Making Enemies—and How to Avoid It

Examining the benefits of respecting other people’s opinions, even when they are demonstrably incorrect, is the initial thought in this chapter. Carnegie states that people should approach arguments by stating that they, themselves, might be incorrect. This will “inspire your opponent to be just as fair and open and broad-minded as you are.” Carnegie reiterates the idea that people are driven by emotion instead of logic. He highlights a habit that Benjamin Franklin adopted, where he tried to avoid using language that carried an opinion (such as “certainly”), and instead used less concrete phrasing for his claims (such as “I apprehend”). Carnegie then shares two business anecdotes where the people involved only met with success when they gave their opponents a gracious way to admit that they were wrong. The chapter ends with Principle 2: Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”

Chapter 3—If You’re Wrong, Admit It

Carnegie advises that one should enthusiastically admit to being wrong as quickly as possible. When people try to generate excuses or shift blame, it only makes the other person less confident in them. Carnegie offers several anecdotes and admits that it is often difficult for people to admit that they are wrong. However, admitting they are wrong will often defuse the situation, avoiding any potential anger over a mistake. The chapter ends with Principle 3: If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.

Chapter 4—A Drop of Honey

This chapter discusses the importance of approaching conversations genially. Carnegie starts with an anecdote about John D. Rockefeller, Jr. addressing a group of violent miners who were on strike. After a gracious and heartfelt speech that praised the miners, Rockefeller was able to get the miners back to work peacefully. Carnegie advocates “no bulldozing” or “high-pressure” methods when engaging in conversation. The chapter ends with Principle 4: Begin in a friendly way.

Chapter 5—The Secret of Socrates

One should try to find common ground as quickly as possible. Instead of starting with points where people differ, they should start where both people agree. Carnegie states that when an individual says “no,” he or she enters a condition of rejection, and it will be more difficult to be convinced of anything. Carnegie describes the “Socratic method” and suggests one should start by asking questions where the answer will be “yes.” This chapter ends with Principle 5: Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.

Chapter 6—The Safety Valve in Handling Complaints

This chapter discusses the importance of letting the other person do most of the talking. One should let other people “talk themselves out.” Similar to the concept of never saying, “you’re wrong” (Part Three, Chapter 2), one should not interrupt or push back. By letting the other person work through the conversation, it is less likely that there will be increased animosity or friction. Carnegie gives several anecdotes including business transactions and family life. The chapter ends with Principle 6: Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.

Chapter 7—How to Get Cooperation

Carnegie advocates that when trying to convince someone, it is best to make it seem as if it is that person’s thought. “No one likes to feel that he or she is being sold something or told to do a thing.” By leading people in conversations, trying to garner their interest, one can plant an idea that the other will seek out. The chapter ends with Principle 7: Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.

Chapter 8—A Formula That Will Work Wonders for You

Each person should try to see every argument from both sides. Carnegie suggests that one should try to understand the reason why someone thinks a certain way, instead of just disagreeing. People are usually concerned with their own self-interests. Carnegie, again, gives several anecdotes that demonstrate how this is important in business dealings and personal relationships. The chapter ends with Principle 8: Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.

Chapter 9—What Everybody Wants

Carnegie discusses the importance of being sympathetic to people who are rude and selfish. People have personal attachments to their opinions and ideas. He states that if raised in the same circumstances, one might have ended up just like the other person. One should acknowledge the value in the other person’s point of view, even if it is unpleasant. The chapter ends with Principle 9: Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.

Chapter 10—An Appeal That Everybody Likes

In this chapter, Carnegie borrows a concept from J. Pierpont Morgan, that “a person usually has two reasons for doing a thing: one that sounds good and a real one.” Carnegie advocates that people should appeal to the idealistic motive, instead of calling someone out on the selfish motive. Carnegie uses a business anecdote to demonstrate that most people are convinced that they are correct (as opposed to being willfully deceptive). One should treat others as though they are honest and fair. The chapter ends with Principle 10: Appeal to the nobler motives.

Chapter 11—The Movies Do It. TV Does It. Why Don’t You Do It?

How stating the truth is often not convincing enough is discussed in this chapter. “The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, dramatic.” Carnegie offers television commercials as an example. (Cars are shown driving in difficult conditions, detergent is shown cleaning messy clothes, etc.). He states the advantage of using showmanship when trying to convince others. The chapter ends with Principle 11: Dramatize your ideas.

Chapter 12—When Nothing Else Works, Try This

Carnegie uses several anecdotes to demonstrate the positive power of competition. He states that most people are motivated to work when it is exciting and interesting, and not just for their paycheck. If one can find a way to instill the spirit of competition, it often motivates people. The chapter ends with Principle 12: Throw down a challenge.

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