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Sasha Blake
The protagonist in a novel without a true main character. She’s Alison and Lincoln’s mother, Drew’s wife, and Ted’s niece. Sasha is constantly fighting to find a connection with anyone around her, terrified of aging and of living with unfulfilled potential. She is a compulsive thief, a habit that eventually costs Sasha more than she gains from it (including her job as Bennie Salazar’s assistant). She eventually gives up stealing, moving to the desert with her husband and children and becoming an artist who makes collages with found objects.
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Rhea
A shy, former punk who hates her freckles and wants to be taken seriously. Rhea dyes her hair green, writes lyrics for the Flaming Dildos, and resents her more beautiful friends Alice and Jocelyn. As a teenager she is desperately and unrequitedly in love with Bennie Salazar. Rhea becomes lifelong friends with Lou, although she also resents him.
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Bennie Salazar
A record executive who will do anything to slow the passage of time. Bennie is successful but lonely. He’s also sexually frustrated and occasionally impotent. His stubbornness and his pedantry estrange him from almost everyone, with the partial exception of his son Christopher. Bennie is a music purist who hates overproduced or commercialized music. He clings to his identity as a teenage punk and spends a lot of his life rejecting the aspects of his appearance and his upbringing that aren’t Caucasian.
Lou Kline
A lecherous but very important producer in the music industry. Lou’s life never slows down, and his days are filled with snorting cocaine and pursuing inappropriate sexual relationships with minors. He’s Bennie’s boss and mentor for some of the novel and he enters the story as the much older boyfriend of Rhea’s friend Jocelyn. He has six children, but almost ends up dying alone of a stroke as a result of his earlier choices.
Scotty Hausman
Part of Rhea’s gang and the guitarist of the Flaming Dildos. Scotty and Bennie are best friends as teenagers, but their friendship is soured by the feelings they both have for Alice. Scotty marries and then divorces Alice, gives up on music for a long while, and becomes a weirdly reclusive custodian living in a basement in New York before reconnecting with Bennie.
Rob
A college student who’s unsure of his sexual desires and his path in life. When the reader meets Rob, he has just come out of rehab after a suicide attempt. Rob is close to Sasha and Drew, even pretending to be Sasha’s boyfriend for a while. In a fit of jealousy, Rob reveals secrets from Sasha’s time in Naples to Drew, with unexpectedly deadly results.
Dolly Peale (La Doll)
A disgraced former PR powerhouse and Lulu’s mother. Dolly’s career falls apart after an amateurish décor choice at one of her parties accidentally injures and disfigures her celebrity guests. Desperate for work, Dolly takes a job attempting to recoup the public image of a genocidal dictator known as The General.
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Kitty Jackson
An actor who almost destroys her career by being too outspoken. Kitty Jackson is sexually assaulted by Jules Jones after he interviews her. She also appears in Dolly Peale’s story, as she’s enlisted to try and rehabilitate the image of a violent dictator.
Jocelyn
A childhood friend of Rhea, Bennie, and Scotty. Jocelyn is beautiful and thoughtful, but she struggles with an addictive personality and drug abuse. She’s also terrified of aging and hates to see signs of change in her body.
Alex
A social media expert who works for Bennie getting engagement for music events. The reader first meets him on a date with Sasha, but later in the novel he returns with his wife, Rebecca, and a baby daughter. He and Lulu con people into thinking they’re engaging organically with ads for a Scotty Hausman concert.
Ted Hollander
Sasha’s uncle and an academic in the history of art. When she goes missing, Sasha’s father pays Ted to go to Naples and find her.
Lulu
Dolly’s spoiled but fierce and savvy daughter. As a child, Lulu is mortified by her mother’s public disgrace. She follows Dolly on her mission to rehabilitate The General, and later works in social media marketing with Bennie and Alex in the novel’s futuristic New York. Like many people her age, she prefers to communicate via text message.
Bosco
The guitarist of the Conduits. Bosco and his band appear in several stories in minor ways. He becomes terminally ill with cancer and decides to go on a “suicide tour” to publicize his final days on the planet.
Stephanie
Christopher’s mother and Bennie’s wife. Stephanie is stylish and alternative, someone whom people pay attention to. However, she struggles at first to fit in with the WASP women in Crandale, and she’s anxious about Bennie’s infidelity.
Jules Jones
Stephanie’s neurotic, narcissistic brother. Jules is a journalist who is imprisoned for publicly trying to rape Kitty Jackson. After he gets out of jail, he goes to Crandale, where Stephanie and Bennie take him in.
Drew
One of the central members of the Flaming Dildos circle. At the beginning of the novel, Drew is a conventionally handsome and ambitious boy from Wisconsin. He marries Sasha, moves to the desert, becomes a surgeon, and struggles to connect with his son Lincoln and daughter Alison.
Alison Blake
Sasha and Drew’s daughter. She loves her brother Lincoln, is endlessly frustrated by Sasha, and doesn’t understand her distant, cautious father. Alison records all her mother’s irritating habits and documents her brother’s obsession with pauses in music.
Lincoln Blake
The autistic son of Sasha and Drew, and Alison’s brother. Lincoln is obsessed with pauses in classic rock songs.
Mindy
A PhD. candidate in anthropology at UC Berkeley and Lou’s girlfriend. Mindy likes to analyze everyone’s behavior as if it were an anthropological case study.
Rolph
Lou’s son and Charlie’s brother, a kind-hearted but naïve boy. Rolph becomes estranged from Lou, Charlie, and everyone else he loves.
The General
A charismatic, genocidal dictator. He hires Dolly to help reframe his public image, as he’s internationally loathed and fears being assassinated.
Alice
A member of the Flaming Dildos circle and a childhood friend of Sasha, Bennie, Jocelyn, Rob, and Scotty. Alice and Scotty marry, then later divorce.
Christopher
Bennie and Stephanie’s son, whom Bennie adores but worries he’s growing apart from.
Lizzie
Sasha’s best friend from college.
Bix
A graduate student, Lizzie’s boyfriend, and a member of the Flaming Dildos circle. Bix is obsessed with new developments in tech.
Rebecca
Alex’s second wife and stepmother to his daughter.
Albert
The safari tour guide who drives Lou and his family through Africa.
Dean
A blonde actor who frequently states the obvious, Dean joins Lou and his family on their safari.
Louise
A girl on the safari trip with Lou and his family.
Chronos
The bassist for the band the Mad Hatters, who’s almost killed by a lion on safari with Lou.
Fiona
One of two older female birdwatchers on the safari with Lou’s family.
Mildred
Fiona’s friend, also on safari with Lou’s family.
Coz
Sasha’s long-suffering therapist.
Collette
A producer at Bennie’s company, Sow’s Ear records.
Dr. Beet
Bennie’s therapist, who makes him write down his insecurities instead of dumping them on his son.
Chandra
The older half of the fading musical group Stop/Go, whom Bennie represents.
Louisa
Chandra’s younger sister, the other member of Stop/Go.
Marty
A shy violin-playing college student with a bad case of acne.
Arc
The General’s smooth-faced, intimidating PR officer.
Kathy
Clay’s social superstar wife and Stephanie’s Crandale tennis partner.
Clay
Kathy’s wealthy, incredibly boring husband.
Noreen
An introverted woman who doesn’t try to fit in in the Crandale community.
Cara-Ann
Alex’s daughter.
Beth
Sasha’s mother.
Cora
Lou’s travel agent.
Olivia
Chandra’s daughter.
Hammer
Beth’s second husband and Sasha’s stepfather.
Susan
Ted’s wife, and Sasha’s aunt.
Alfred
Ted’s son, Sasha’s cousin.
Andy Grady
Sasha’s estranged father.
Wade
A drummer for The Pinheads, who travels with Sasha in Southeast Asia for a while.
Ava
Alex’s daughter.
Ramsey
An old army pal of Lou’s.
Lupa
Bennie’s second wife.
Lars
The Swede who becomes Sasha’s pimp in Naples.
Zeus
A friend of Alex’s who helps with promoting Scotty’s show.
Joel
The drummer for the Flaming Dildos.
Sammy
One of the group of men Scotty fishes with in the East River.
Dave
Another fishing friend of Scotty’s.
