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The prologue of I’m Glad My Mom Died showcases the memoir’s dark humor and introduces an important theme: Jennette McCurdy has spent so long trying to be who Mom wants her to be that she doesn’t know who she is. The book opens with a hospital scene in which Mom’s grown children are relaying news that they hope will jolt their mother out of her coma. Jennette is certain that her own news will do the trick, and she confidently shares that she has finally reached her unhealthily low goal weight, set by Mom. When even this information doesn’t wake her, Jennette knows that Mom is going to die. This incident reveals the tragic absurdity of Mom’s fixation on Jennette’s weight—a fixation so intense that Jennette believes reaching her goal weight could somehow bring Mom back from the brink of death. Her grief is complicated by the fact that, up until now, Mom has controlled every aspect of Jennette’s life. Without her, Jennette isn’t sure who she is. Having revealed the unhealthy nature of their relationship, Jennette looks back on her childhood, filling in the disturbing details of her complicated relationship with Mom.

Read an important quote about Jennette’s desire for Mom’s approval.

Chapter 1 opens with Jennette, at age six, showing that her entire world revolves around Mom. The narrative paints a picture of a troubled household, where the aftermath of Mom’s previous battle with cancer dominates every aspect of the family’s lives. Mom’s illness has transformed her into a hoarder, making home life so uncomfortable that Jennette longs for the clean and quiet reprieve of attending Mormon church. Mom, who is supremely self-centered, dominates her children’s lives by homeschooling them and subjecting them to the weekly ritual of watching a video of her cancer journey. She pressures the shy six-year-old Jennette to pursue an acting career despite Jennette’s obvious reluctance. Mom wants to live out her own thwarted ambitions by forcing her daughter into the acting career Mom never had. Jennette acquiesces to Mom’s demands out of an ongoing need for validation. Her ability to cry on cue, seen by Mom as a display of talent, is in fact evidence of her inner turmoil as she struggles to cope with her mother’s excessive control.

Read an in-depth analysis of Mom (Debra McCurdy).

Mom’s ambitions for Jennette are evident in her relentless pursuit of opportunities in the entertainment industry, ignoring Jennette’s reluctance. Mom’s willingness to impose her desires on Jennette, disregarding her daughter’s feelings and autonomy, is evident when she commits Jennette to attending weekly acting classes. Jennette’s aversion to the acting classes is at odds with her desire to fulfill Mom’s expectations. As always, her dedication to Mom’s happiness wins out over her own needs. While Jennette hates the acting classes, she finds some pleasure in the 14  weekly dance classes Mom signs her up for to make her more marketable. Mom’s indifference to the dance classes, which stems from the fact that she herself never wanted to be a dancer, emphasizes the strained and one-sided nature of their relationship. Jennette’s interests and well-being are permanently secondary to Mom’s vicarious pursuit of fame and validation. In the stress brought on by her mother’s relentless pressure, Jennette begins to hear messages from the “Holy Ghost” that instruct her to perform increasingly specific rituals in order to gain acting success and keep Mom happy. Eventually, Jennette realizes she is experiencing not a spiritual visitation but a symptom of obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Read an important quote about Mom and Jennette’s codependent relationship.

Mom’s lack of concern for Jennette’s emotional well-being is evident in how she commodifies and exploits Jennette’s talents and appearance. Viewing Jennette’s looks as a marketable asset, she subjects Jennette to home beauty treatments that make Jennette question the authenticity of her own beauty. Similarly, Mom capitalizes on Jennette’s ability to cry on cue, a skill that requires Jennette to engage in distressing thoughts to elicit tears. When Jennette’s failure to cry on cue at an audition prompts her to confess that she wants to quit acting, Mom reacts hysterically in a transparent attempt to manipulate Jennette into compliance. This refusal to acknowledge Jennette’s wishes underscores Mom’s complete disregard for her feelings and autonomy. Mom’s willingness to use emotional coercion shows her lack of commitment to Jennette’s best interests, reinforcing a dynamic where Jennette’s worth is tied to her ability to fulfill Mom’s ambitions.

Mom’s most egregious abuse of Jennette centers on her desire to control Jennette’s body. When Jennette hits puberty and begins to grow breasts, she asks how she can stop her body from developing. Instead of reassuring Jennette that growing up is natural and desirable, Mom introduces her to the idea of “calorie restriction” as a means to slow puberty. The subsequent weekly weigh-ins give Jennette another way of seeking Mom’s validation and set her on the path to an eating disorder. Mom ignores concerned adults when they suggest Jennette may have anorexia, and her bodily control of Jennette isn’t restricted to her diet. Disturbingly, she also insists on showering her, sometimes together with her teenage brother. In a shocking violation of trust, Mom gives Jennette breast and genital exams, supposedly checking for cancer. Unaware that Mom is guilty of sexual abuse but deeply uncomfortable with the experience, Jennette survives this invasion of privacy by escaping into thoughts of Fantasyland, one of the themed lands at Disneyland. This act of dissociation suggests both that Jennette is traumatized by her mother’s abuse and that, during these invasions, she longs for an experience of idyllic childhood.

Read more about Main Idea #2: The pressure to conform to societal beauty standards is destructive.

The money Jennette earns from acting is important to her family, and she becomes the main breadwinner when she is still a child. Mom considers managing Jennette to be her job and pays herself accordingly out of Jennette’s earnings. She becomes defensive when Jennette innocently questions the arrangement, which suggests that she is aware, at some level, that she is exploiting her daughter. Dad, whose role in Jennette’s life is also strictly managed by Mom, doesn’t earn much even though he works two jobs. Jennette’s earnings buy the family’s first computer, but despite the extra income Jennette makes, Mom is often on the phone negotiating with bill collectors. Jennette’s family life is full of insecurity, not just because of the fear of Mom’s cancer returning but also because of this financial instability. Mom is trying to get an extension from a bill collector when the call comes in that Jennette has booked the role of Sam on the TV show iCarly. Landing her first series regular role represents a major breakthrough for Jennette’s career and for her family’s fortunes. She is elated—not for herself, but because Mom will finally be happy.

Read more about Main Idea #1: Abuse can masquerade as love.

Next section Before: Chapters 29-55

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