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...because while I say sadness what I really mean is black hole inside me filled with nails and rocks and broken glass and the words I don’t have anymore.
In rehab in Part One, Casper tries to get Charlie to talk about her experiences, but Charlie is too overwhelmed to do so. Even when she tries, words fail her, and she can only reflect on what she would like to say. For Charlie, silence is the result of trauma but also the sadness born of loss. Between her father, her best friend, and her mother, Charlie has lost far more than most and at an extremely young age. She doesn’t process these feelings as grief but as anger that she directs toward herself, which is one definition of depression. She feels guilty for these losses, and that makes her want to hurt herself. In addition to the cutting, silence can be a weapon. It hurts Charlie by keeping the pain bottled up, seething inside her. But it also hurts others by shutting them out, denying them access to Charlie’s interior world and not allowing them to further harm her.
Evan and Dump taught me silence is the best weapon. People will trick you with words. They’ll twist what you say. They’ll make you think you need things you do not need. They’ll get you talking, which will relax you, and then they will attack.
In Part Two, Charlie reflects on her extreme emotional trauma, falling back on selective mutism as a shield. But this is not an accident of genetics, like her depression or alcoholism possibly are. Silence is a behavior that Charlie has learned. Her father taught her to be quiet while he wallowed in his grief. Her mother taught her to be small and quiet so she wouldn’t get hit. School taught her to become invisible so she wouldn’t get bullied. And life on the streets with Evan and Dump taught her to be wary around people, especially those claiming to be your friends. These lessons had been key to Charlie’s survival. And when life with Riley starts to become threatening, these lessons return to her, helping her preserve her physical safety if not her emotional wellbeing.
Sometimes I don’t do any work at all in my studio! I just sit. Listen to music. Page through my books. Maybe write down something I remember. Maybe write a letter....Sometimes not working can be work, just more gently. It’s important to just be, Charlie, every once in a while.
In Part Three, Felix offers a new perspective on silence and presence. Throughout the novel, Charlie has been told that silence is dangerous. Various people have encouraged her to communicate her experiences to heal from her trauma. But Charlie continues to retreat into silence during the moments she most needs to heal. Felix assures her that quiet too can be healing. In fact, quiet contemplation is a major component of an artist’s life. He shares his practice with her, a practice that involves stillness, reflection, and simply being. And he encourages her to spend time with herself, getting to know who she is and learning who she might become. Silence doesn’t have to be armor or a weapon. It could simply be another tool in her artist’s kit.
