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Summary
Part Two, from “The bus is a giant...” to “...turned him mean”
Content Warning: The below contains references to self-harm and drug addiction.
Charlie takes the bus to Tucson, where she uses Mikey’s directions and drawings to find his room. Even though it’s warm, she keeps her peacoat on as she makes her way to his apartment. Alone for the first time in a long while, she has a panic attack. She breathes through it and finds a bite to eat before barricading the door and falling into a deep sleep. The next day, she gets acquainted with her surroundings, a converted garage with artistic touches courtesy of the landlady Ariel. Charlie heads out to find food and stops at a convenience store to restock her tender kit. She doesn’t intend to hurt herself, but she wants to be prepared. At the grocery store, Charlie is quickly overwhelmed by all the choices she has to make, and she suffers another panic attack. Outside, she begins to dissociate and wanders blindly before finding herself in an underpass. She remembers Blue and Casper’s advice and concentrates on breathing. She makes her way back to Mikey’s, where she prepares glass for her tender kit, just in case. Then she starts to sketch Mikey’s apartment.
Ariel checks in on Charlie and gives her an address where she can find a job, but tells Charlie that she can’t stay longer than two weeks. It takes Charlie two hours to work up the nerve to leave, knowing she will have to talk to people. The girls at the trendy clothing store that Ariel directed her to suggest she try the coffee shop, True Grit. When she arrives, they’re playing a Van Morrison record Charlie’s father used to love. Riley West, who manages the coffee shop, teases her, and tells her to come back the next day to see about a job as a dishwasher. Riley’s sister, Julie, owns the shop, and she will make the final decision. Back at Mikey’s, Charlie sits outside, sketching an image of her father with pills where his teeth should be. The next day, Charlie starts work with Linus, a woman who works at True Grit as a server, and Riley, but it’s temporary because Julie won’t be back for a few days. The kitchen is small, so she and Riley come into close contact. He tries to get her to open up, but she isn’t sure whether he’s being serious. At the end of the day, he pays her and tells her to come back tomorrow.
Ariel bursts in while Charlie’s sleeping after work. She assesses Charlie’s drawings and gives her some advice before inviting her over for dinner. Ariel’s house is filled with art, which Charlie describes as sad and heavy. As they eat, Ariel tries talking to her about the people Charlie has lost, her mother, and Ellis. Ariel warns her that silence can be explosive. As she leaves, Charlie steals a small red cross that is dotted with skulls. The next morning, Linus explains to Charlie how much coffee she’s allowed, how to sneak food, and how to watch Riley without getting his sister Julie, who owns the shop, mad at all of them. Linus teaches Charlie to make coffee and cues her to the regulars. After some time and chaos, Linus sends Charlie to fetch Riley, who hasn’t shown up for work. When he doesn’t answer the door, she goes inside and tiptoes through his wreck of a house to find him still in bed. The room smells strange, and when she checks to see if he is still breathing, he grabs her and holds her tightly between his knees. She fights back and he apologizes, but on the way back to the shop, Charlie realizes Riley only pretended to be asleep so he could scare her. Linus tells her that Riley has been using, and although Charlie doesn’t quite understand what that means, she knows it’s bad.
Analysis
From the moment she leaves the rehab, Charlie feels that her peacoat is too warm, but she clings to it like a safety blanket for various reasons. For one, she fears being homeless in frigid Minnesota, and the peacoat can protect her from the elements. But she also uses it to conceal her scars. The coat also acts as a buffer between her and her mom, and gives her some anonymity on the bus. In Arizona, even before dawn, the peacoat’s heat is unbearable, but taking it off means stopping and leaving herself vulnerable, so she would rather sweat. Even in the relative safety of Mikey’s apartment, Charlie feels exposed and prefers the familiar, comfortable weight of the coat to the cool feeling of air touching her damp, scarred skin. Now that Charlie is back out in the real world, as a supplement to the coping skills she gained in rehab, she might need to fall back on her survival instincts. The peacoat is both a physical tool to help her survive, as well as a psychological reminder to Charlie of what she can endure and what she must be on the lookout for.
For a young artist, Tucson in general and Ariel’s property in particular prove fertile ground. Charlie has not had much experience with art, aside from the music she listened to with her father. The streets of Minnesota were bleak and the rehab center was intentionally bland. By contrast, Tucson’s vibrant and varied murals and its funky vintage shops are novelties for Charlie. So is Ariel’s property, with its audacious metal sculptures and boldly painted walls. Charlie is especially taken with the kitchen counter, a wooden slab covered with shellacked postcards. They embody the travel experiences and exaggerated tenderness she and Ellis used to dream of and share with one another. It’s almost as though Charlie has fallen into a future version of her life as it might have been. Mikey’s landlady Ariel has no compunction about passing judgment on Charlie. She accuses her of making life harder than it has to be by cutting herself and staying quiet. But she also admires Charlie’s grit, and she encourages Charlie to critique the art she sees honestly. Life as an artist is not easy, but no life is, and being in Tucson is certainly more interesting for Charlie than being in Minnesota at the Seed House.
Mikey is absent from these pages, but his presence in Tucson looms large in Charlie’s hopes. His antics at the rehab center had made her feel worthy of love and had given her the courage to ask him for help pending her release. Once in Tucson, Charlie inhabits Mikey’s domestic space, an intimate arrangement even in his absence, given that it’s a studio apartment with only a makeshift bathroom. She sleeps on his futon, burrowing into his blanket to locate his smell and comfort herself with the promise of his love. She even finds herself flaring with jealousy at the thought that he might have a girlfriend, despite objecting to Riley’s accusation that she moved to Tucson for a boy. None of her feelings have a basis in reality; Mikey has never been interested in Charlie romantically, and he has made no promises about starting a relationship. Charlie is fragile and is already overwhelmed by the daily practical realities of food and work. Love, too, is a necessity, but misplaced and unrequited, it might prove destabilizing.
Riley enters Charlie’s life feeling both familiar and completely strange. As the Van Morrison record plays, Charlie remembers good times with her dad, and Riley, a local legend, steps into the sunshine and levels her with his direct gaze. As a 17-year-old girl who feels unlovable, she cannot resist him. She knows he is bad news—everything about him screams it, from his stained apron to the lines around his eyes. But Charlie, despite the traumatic experiences she has endured, is still young and naïve in many ways, and boys have never paid her much attention, so Riley’s eyes on her feel electric. His casual conversation, focused and directed right to her, makes her go weak in the knees. Further, Riley has the same hard, deep sadness Charlies had seen in her father, which makes him even more appealing to her. Charlie will not be able to resist this doomed attraction.
