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Summary
Part One, from “And while it’s true...” to “...hunt down your friend.”
Content Warning: The below contains references to self-harm.
Doc Dooley tells Charlie that two boys dropped off her backpack and apologized. When Charlie opens the backpack, she finds that it is nearly empty: her sketchbook is missing, and the staff has taken everything out of her tender kit, which used to contain her cutting supplies. Doc Dooley lets her keep a few pictures showing Charlie and her friends Ellis, Mikey, and DannyBoy. That evening, Barbero tells Charlie that Casper has ordered her to take online school, and Jen S. will proctor her exams while Barbero supervises. Charlie’s school memories mostly involve being bullied, but she agrees to try the online school because the alternative is taking sleep medication so that she stops roaming the halls at night. In a session with Casper, Charlie remembers hiking with her father into the forest, and she wishes she could be like the cool moss instead of full of hot rage. When her father died, Charlie’s mother became a shell of herself. Charlie writes a question to ask Casper about her missing sketchbook, and Casper says she’ll look into it. Louisa gets different treatment than the other girls in the ward, with day passes and more phone time. She tries to warn Charlie that everything at the rehab center costs money.
Casper explains in Group how self-harm works. She says that it comes from making the choice to internalize pain rather than recognizing that someone else is responsible for it. Casper asks the girls to write what they say to themselves right before they engage in self-harm. Charlie draws Blue, but she crosses out the drawing and writes “cut it all out.” Blue grabs the picture from Charlie and says it’s right that Charlie erased her, because that’s how she feels right before harming herself. Then she complains that Charlie is allowed to not talk and reads Charlie’s words out loud. Charlie remembers going with Evan and Dump, two of her homeless friends, to the Seed House, where a man called F****** Frank forced girls to have sex with strangers. She wishes she could cut out all of these memories. Before she realizes what she is doing, Charlie is walking across the room to crush Blue’s face. Casper stops her, and Charlie leaves to get her bandages off.
A day nurse named Vinnie gently peels Charlie’s bandages from her skin, making small talk to distract her. When he moves to her legs, Charlie speaks for the first time since she arrived. She tells Vinnie that Nurse Ava gave her the underwear she is wearing when she was in the hospital. Vinnie finishes and gives Charlie some cream to help the injuries heal. She longs to rest in his arms, like she used to do with her dad. Back in her room, Charlie cries because she misses her mom, dad, and Ellis. Then, she asks Vinnie to cut her hair, which is a matted mess. He resists at first, but caves when she insists. Charlie arrives at the cafeteria with her head shaved and her scars showing. The other girls react with surprise, calling her Chuck. Charlie finally finds her voice in front of them and insists that they call her Charlie.
Charlie continues online school at night, and Jen S. often makes excuses so Charlie will leave her alone, while Barbero sleeps. Taking advantage of having no direct supervision, Charlie sends a message to Mikey, a guy who she had a crush on in high school, and is thrilled when he responds. As he tries to get a phone number for her, Barbero wakes up and shuts down the computer before going to find Jen S.
Analysis
Moss emerges from Charlie’s therapy sessions as a complex representation of peace. Casper latches onto Charlie’s description of being cool and clean, like moss in the forest, as a strong representation of what being healthy might look like for her. Charlie describes her self-harming behavior as an attempt to rid herself of an inner fire, and her comforting memory of moss, from a time before her life fell apart, offers a stark contrast. But for Charlie, the moss is a more complicated image because she remembers it from the outings her father used to take her on in his attempts to cope with his own difficulties. Charlie remembers the moss from those trips because she often ended up on the forest floor after failing to keep up with her father, who walked quickly through rough terrain as he tried to find an unattainable silence. Left behind, she would stumble and find comfort among the soft quiet of the forest floor. Small, quiet, growing things like moss, and Charlie in those childhood memories, are susceptible to damage by others’ thoughtless behavior. But they are also surprisingly resilient and tenacious.
Charlie’s voice and experience are so powerful that it can sometimes be difficult to distinguish between Charlie as a character and Charlie as a narrator. Narrator Charlie sometimes uses techniques such as italics to highlight the ways the reflective narrative voice is distinct from Charlie’s prior experiences. When Casper talks to the group about self-harm, the italics at first seem to represent Charlie’s clinical distance from the terms Casper is using. However, the words quickly morph into angry, vulgar descriptions of the people who have harmed the girls and the girls themselves. This shift makes it evident that the words are not Casper’s. The italics indicate Charlie’s interpretation of what Casper is saying, revealing that she is skeptical of Casper’s message. Although Casper’s intention is to help the girls distance themselves from their behavior, Charlie’s scars feed her anger at herself, representing a future in which she can only be damaged and unlovable. This feeling is part of what drives her desire for self-harm.
Charlie’s first words hold important clues about how she is reacting to therapy and where she is in her voyage of self-discovery. Her first words emerge when she is in a state of heightened awareness, as Vinnie removes the stitches and bloody bandages on her thighs. Charlie thinks about her new, clean underwear, which is also the first thing she talks about. This juxtaposition signals Charlie’s belief that this moment offers her an opportunity for a fresh start. When Charlie reclaims her identity in the cafeteria, she takes another step into her new life. However, the endorphin rush that Charlie feels as the bandages come off is the same as the rush she associates with the pain of cutting herself, suggesting that this will not be an easy transition.
Charlie’s reactions to the ancillary characters in these chapters reveal the ways she is and is not ready to reenter society. Her roommate Louisa has been and will be at the rehab center for a long time, but she reminds Charlie that being there costs money, which Charlie doesn’t have. This is a practical reality that, until now, Charlie hasn’t had to consider. Casper is gentle and kind, which Charlie appreciates, but those qualities cause Charlie to wonder why Casper would choose to spend time with the girls in the rehab center. Obviously, Casper has other options, and Charlie has very little experience of kindness or altruism. Vinny at first is just a golden-toothed grin with gentle hands, but eventually she understands him as a fuller person, a family man. Because they are kind and gentle, Charlie tends to see both Casper and Vinny as potential surrogate parents. But Charlie is suspicious of both Doc Dooley and Barbero, who are only kind to the pretty girls. These interactions are equally as important as the therapy sessions for helping Charlie mature and heal.
