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Summary
Part Three, from “I get up...” to “...on her phone”
Content Warning: The below contains references to self-harm, addiction, and abuse.
Mikey has emailed Charlie 11 times, but she deletes all the messages without reading them. Around that same time, Riley emcees an open mic night at True Grit. When he helps a local teenage girl, Regan, prepare to play guitar and sing, Charlie becomes jealous. Regan is a favorite at the open mic nights and plays with all the confidence that Charlie lacks. Certain that she will lose Riley to Regan, Charlie regrets spending time with him instead of developing as an artist. She uses the last of the money she and Ellis saved to buy a leather portfolio and takes her work to an art gallery to enter it into a show. An intern rejects her work because the gallery is only accepting electronic submissions, but on her way out, Charlie runs into Tony Padilla, the gallery owner, who looks at her work and accepts it for the show. Linus is thrilled to hear the news, but Charlie is not surprised that Riley isn’t supportive because he’s spending all his time drinking, using drugs, or passed out. Linus, a recovering alcoholic, warns her that Riley is in a downward spiral and that he will take Charlie with him on his way down. Charlie sends a short email to Blue and reads one of Mikey’s nine messages, which wishes her a happy 18th birthday. She had forgotten all about it, but treats herself to coffee and a pastry alone at a local bakery.
While at the gallery, setting up for the art show, Charlie meets the other artists and she feels like she’s the only one who doesn’t understand the terms and concepts they discuss so casually. Afterwards, she goes to the library to do research so she can better understand their conversations. One day at the coffee shop, Blue calls. She has been out of rehab for three months and is now in Tucson. She was able to track Charlie down through Charlie’s mom, who is in touch with Mikey. After meeting Charlie at True Grit, Blue wants to go to the liquor store next to Charlie’s apartment. She buys a bottle of vodka and they have a drink in Charlie’s apartment. They catch each other up on their lives and Blue admires Charlie’s artwork. Neither of them is cutting, but neither of them is entirely clean either, and Blue’s drinking makes Charlie nervous. The next time Charlie goes to work, business is slow. Still, the staff are excited for All Souls, a huge block party tied to Día de los Muertos or the Day of the Dead, a holiday where people honor their deceased family members and many dress as skeletons.
After work, Blue and Charlie head to Riley’s, and Blue is immediately enchanted by him. Riley charms Blue and asks how she and Charlie met, but when Blue talks about rehab, both Riley and Charlie go quiet. Blue can’t believe Charlie never told him about it. Riley admits that he has also done time in rehab, but as the conversation unfolds, Charlie realizes that Riley doesn’t remember that she had told him about her time being homeless. Charlie gets increasingly annoyed at how free and chatty Blue and Charlie are with one another, so she takes Blue back to her apartment. As she falls asleep, Blue reassures Charlie that she would never mess around with Riley and tells Charlie to act more confident around him. The next day, after they tour the city, Blue gives Charlie a gift from Louisa, ten of Louisa’s composition books.
Analysis
All Souls is a time to remember the dead, but as Charlie thinks about her dad and Ellis, the day leaves her feeling more haunted than healed. Charlie has not come to terms with her father’s death, the event that pushed her mother to abuse her and that altered Charlie’s life forever. The men she falls for, Mikey and Riley, both remind her of her father when they hug her, which is a sign that she is still waiting for him to come back in some way. Charlie also struggles to properly mourn Ellis, who is permanently disabled though not dead. Unlike Charlie’s father, Ellis met her fate through self-harming behavior that mimicked Charlie’s own, leaving Charlie to feel responsible for Ellis’s vegetative state. In order to enjoy All Souls, Charlie needs to stop mourning and instead celebrate their lives. However, unable to accept her losses, Charlie cannot imagine her father and Ellis as souls that exist in some other state of being. In a way she is still looking for them both and believes that she’ll be able to cultivate relationships that allow her to replicate the feelings she had with them.
Although Blue and Charlie went to the same rehab for girls who self-harm, they have very different life experiences, which they can use to shore one another up or tear each other down. Blue is about ten years older than Charlie, so she can offer practical advice about life experiences and relationships. After seeing Charlie act submissively to Riley, Blue models confident behavior that she hopes Charlie will be able to adopt. Charlie, however, interprets Blue’s behavior jealously, uncertain of Blue’s motivations. Later, when Blue wears shorts and a T-shirt that leave her scars visible, she tells Charlie that she doesn’t care what other people think of her, and Charlie wishes she could have that level of self-assuredness. Charlie’s natural talent and her gift for survival remind Blue of her own practical skills and passions. On their own, Blue and Charlie have some of the skills they need for survival, but to succeed they need to pool their resources instead of draining the energy from one another.
As Charlie watches Regan transform on stage from a scrawny kid in boots to a siren with a guitar, she feels a spark of competitive jealousy that shifts the course of her life. Instead of seeing Regan as a role model, Charlie sees her as a rival. This realization helps Charlie understand that she allows herself to get distracted by the false feelings of love and security she invests in Riley. Meanwhile, Riley seems to have more interest in and respect for Regan’s artistic pursuits than he does for Charlie’s. Regan’s lyrics hint at some painful life experiences, but instead of silencing herself, Regan wields her voice and her guitar like weapons. The performance is also a stark reminder that Riley has a history in Tucson from which Charlie is excluded. While his relationship with Regan might be completely innocent, Charlie knows little about Riley’s past because he has excluded her from any significant aspects of his life. Despite this, Charlie has abandoned her talent and sacrificed her physical, emotional, and psychological wellbeing to bring him drugs and make herself available for sex when he wants it.
