payment page
My breath catches and my body warms, the traitorous b*tch. You are not attracted to toxic men, I remind myself, and yet, here I am, getting all attracted. I have been since the first second I saw him.
In this passage from Chapter 9, Violet is literally wrestling with the gap between her rational mind and her physical body. She’s thinking about her attraction to Xaden, whom at this point she still considers “toxic.” The term “traitorous” reflects her frustration with her own body’s reaction, as she’s mentally at odds with her physical responses. She feels like her body’s biology is enacting a betrayal of her conscious resolve to avoid Xaden and all the danger that comes with being in his company. She’s literally talking to herself, as if she’s split in two by the problem. Her inner dialogue—“You are not attracted to toxic men”— clashes with the undeniable pull toward Xaden she feels. This conflict illustrates her struggle to reconcile her rational mindset with her physical needs. The irony of her immediate attraction to Xaden despite her good intentions goes against all of her rational instincts for self-preservation.
“You never considered that it was you I couldn’t stay away from?”
I crook my right arm and jab it into Xaden’s biceps. He doesn’t mean that. Not when he’s still adamant that kissing me was a mistake. And if he does… I’m not going there.
This exchange happens in Chapter 27, when Violet is trying to tease out the future of her feelings for Xaden. By denying that they should be in a relationship and that he has feelings for her, Xaden is sending mixed signals about his interest in her. Xaden’s question suggests a depth of emotion that he usually suppresses, hinting at what he really feels even as he’s somewhat cruelly teasing her. Violet’s physical reaction—“jab[bing]” his biceps—is a physical response to a verbal provocation. It’s a reflection of the dichotomy she and Xaden are both experiencing, and she does it to mask her own vulnerability when she isn’t sure what to say. Her refusal to “go there” reveals her hesitation to fully explore these feelings, especially when she knows she wants something that feels unstable and uncertain.
“Violet,” Xaden groans against my mouth.
The plea in his tone floods my veins with a whole different form of power. Knowing he’s just as affected by our attraction as I am is a rush. “This isn’t what you want.”
“It’s exactly what I want,” I counter. I want to replace the anger with lust, the death of the day with the pulse-pounding assurance of my own life, and I know he’s capable of delivering all that and more.”
Just before they finally have sex in Chapter 30, Violet openly and explicitly acknowledges her desire for Xaden. By this point she’s exhausted by the back-and-forth of their cat and mouse game, and wants to lose herself in Xaden’s touch to escape the shock and fear of the previous day. Xaden’s hesitation—“This isn’t what you want”—shows that he hasn’t quite relaxed his restraints to the extent that Violet has. He’s also still trying to control her and to retain his tenuous hold over the power within their dynamic. Violet’s response, however, conveys her certainty and determination that what she feels is right. As a former Scribe turned rider, acts on information as well as feelings and desires. Even if Xaden doesn’t completely agree that it’s a good idea, based on the evidence she’s got Violet feels confident enough to assert herself.
