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Summary
Chapters 1-4
Chapter 1: The Chiefest and Greatest of Calamities
Fifteen-year-old Darius Kellner works part-time at a tea café in Portland, Oregon, called Tea Haven. A self-proclaimed “fractional Persian,” Darius is passionate about quality tea and dislikes the way Tea Haven panders to trends. He instead prefers the prestigious Rose City Teas, but he is too young to work there. Darius bristles when two classmates, Cyprian “Chip” Cusumano and Trent Bolger, enter Tea Haven. Trent makes suggestive jokes while Darius works. Because his boss, Mr. Apatan, is there and it’s part of his job, Darius offers his classmates tea samples. Chip accepts, takes a sip, and says the tea tastes bad. On his way out, Trent calls Darius an insult. Mr. Apatan assures Darius that the tea tastes right and that he’s doing a good job.
Chapter 2: Truck Nuts
After his shift, Darius goes outside to discover that the wheels and seat have been stolen from his bike, and that a pair of blue rubber testicles have been dangled over his bike frame. Assuming the vandals are Trent and Chip, Darius begrudgingly calls his father—to whom he refers by his full name, Stephen Kellner—for a ride. On the way home, Darius feels sheepish telling Stephen about the testicles. Stephen explains they’re "truck nuts" and asks Darius what happened. Darius explains but is upset when Stephen suggests Trent and Chip were only kidding around by messing with Darius’s bike. Darius thinks his father doesn't understand what his life is like because he’s a blonde-haired, blue-eyed “Übermensch” or "perfect man."
Chapter 3: The Distinguished Picard Crescent
Darius, his parents, and his eight-year-old sister Laleh eat spaghetti for dinner because his mother, Shirin Kellner, only cooks Persian foods on weekends since most recipes are complicated. During dinner, Darius’s father pushes the salad toward Darius when he reaches for a second helping of pasta. After dinner, Darius makes genmaicha, a tea made with toasted rice. Neither of his parents are as interested in tea as he is. Darius and his dad sit on the couch to watch a single episode of Star Trek, their nightly ritual. Darius, who thinks his dad only pretends to enjoy being with him, treasures their Star Trek time, feeling it is one of the few moments when he and Stephen get along. Darius’s favorite Star Trek captain is Picard because he is bold, confident, and considered very masculine despite the fact that he is also bald and drinks Earl Grey tea.
Shirin’s parents video call on the computer. She speaks to them in Farsi, which excludes Darius as he only knows a few phrases in Farsi. Laleh, however, speaks Farsi well, making it a special point of connection between Darius’s mom and sister. Likewise, an inability to speak Farsi is something Darius and his dad have in common.
Chapter 4: Moby the Whale
Shirin’s mom, whom Darius calls Mamou, is on the monitor speaking in Farsi. Mamou speaks to Darius and Stephen in English, but she speaks to Laleh in Farsi. Darius feels awkward because it’s like Mamou lives in another reality. Stephen asks about Babou, Mamou’s husband who recently visited the doctor. After talking for a short time, Darius and his dad wander back to watch the rest of Star Trek. Stephen makes the family decorate for Nowruz, a Persian holiday, because he seems to enjoy the holiday more than the rest of the family.
Darius finishes his genmaicha and takes out his medicine in the kitchen. Stephen shows up and takes his meds dry. One of the few things Darius has in common with his father is that they both take medication for depression. Stephen watches Darius take his pills and Darius thinks his father is ashamed of him for needing meds. Stephen asks Darius if he heard him talking about Babou’s doctor, and Darius asks if the appointment was for his grandfather’s tumor. Stephen explains that Babou is in poor health and that they are all going to Iran to visit him.
Analysis
Darius’s love of tea and his unique views on society are both established early in the novel through his narration of his job duties at Tea Haven. In Darius’s view, his boss Mr. Apatan and his tea shop at the mall represent the “Soulless Minions of Orthodoxy,” Darius’s nickname for those who insist on pushing whatever the masses demand even when it’s not correct. In Star Trek lore, the “soulless minions of orthodoxy” refers to people who want to keep the status quo even if that means disregarding facts. Everything at Tea Haven is a trendy interpretation of quality with no regard to the true quality standards Darius has learned. Mr. Apatan insists on using boiling water and artificial flavors for his teas despite Darius’s best efforts to advise otherwise.
Language difference plays a large part in the novel, including the use of emotionally and sexually charged words. Despite never learning Farsi, Darius knows a lot about the grammar and history of the language. He's also memorized parts of languages from the fictional worlds in Star Trek and The Lord of the Rings. Although Darius struggles in math, he performs well in language classes. At the same time, any sexually explicit talk makes Darius uncomfortable, such as when his classmate Trent asks if he likes tea-bagging. Darius both understands the implication of the jokes and wants to protect people like Mr. Apatan from hearing them. This makes the “truck nuts” incident especially embarrassing as Darius must talk about not only his bullying but also about sexual body parts with his father. Darius feels awkward saying or hearing words that are even remotely sexual, so frank discussions of sexual topics make him deeply uncomfortable and he uses euphemisms to avoid them, from referring to masturbation as "going Number 3" to being unable to say "Moby Dick" when Laleh names the fish Moby the Whale.
The Übermensch identity that Darius both hates and covets emerges in his first descriptions of his father Stephen, gesturing toward their complicated relationship. Darius views his father’s suggestions and advice as criticism and disapproval. Darius both idolizes his father and chastises himself for never measuring up to his dad’s expectations despite his best efforts. Darius has a nickname for absolutely everyone, but he calls his own father by his full first and last name, emphasizing how much he puts his father on a pedestal of respect but also distances himself from him. Their only remaining connection (in Darius’s estimation), their mutual love of Star Trek, sees Darius celebrating the Übermensch captain who commands a starship, solves problems effortlessly, and never lets anyone see him sweat. One thing Darius particularly loves about Star Trek: The Next Generation is Captain Jean Luc Picard, who manages to pull off the Übermensch despite his balding and his love of Earl Grey tea. In the Star Trek universe, people like Jean Luc Picard can still be seen as an Übermensch, something Darius feels is impossible for such personalities in the real world.
The novel presents the Kellners as a multicultural, nuclear family with an all-American Übermensch dad and a Persian immigrant mom, with their two kids who share a blend of Aryan and Persian features. Both parents work in successful careers. The family eats average American meals such as spaghetti and pizza for dinner. However, Darius struggles to feel like he belongs anywhere because of his parents’ different cultures. He’s not white, as the kids at school call him names like “terrorist,” and his only friend is a fellow Persian, yet he’s not “True Persian” because his dad is American. Furthermore, in Darius’s mind, he can't be True Persian because he likes genmaicha, and no true Persians would drink a tea made with toasted rice. Darius both disdains but also engages in this kind of gatekeeping of Persian culture by hiding his love of genmaicha from his mom.
