Auntie SparkNotes: The Girl I Like Is Dating a Total Loser

Hey Auntie,

This is a classic one I’m sure, but I’d be happy to get some advice, as everyone I usually go to is too close to the situation.

I have a friend that I’m sort of into. Not the head-over-heels kind of into, but the kind where I’d totally go out for one date and see where things went from there. At least, that’s what I thought until she recently told me she may be interested in someone. Then it hit me, I was hurt.

We’ve talked before about our relationship, as everyone thinks we should date except for our closest friends. We’ve agreed that it’s best to stay as friends, her excuse used to be “We’d kill each other!” But lately, we’ve grown closer so that excuse is done. Now I’ve just assumed it was because we didn’t like each other as anything more than friends. We’ve even encouraged each other to go out with other people in the past.

But now, I’m confused.

This guy is someone she just met. He isn’t particularly attractive. Nothing about him seems to stand out except for his obsession with old cars. Without being harsh, he just seems like a bit of a loser. They don’t seem to have anything in common at all. But suddenly she’s willing to give it a shot. She’s always been super picky about her guys, dismissing everyone that has asked her out for one reason or another. This time though she seems to not care. The part that hurts isn’t that she’s dismissed me, but that she’s settling for less than she deserves.

I’m her friend. Or I’m supposed to be, but if I’m really so annoying that she would date a total stranger over me, how am I supposed to take that? Like, is there something wrong with me that I’m not good enough for her? I’ve worked hard to be her friend over the last two years. We’ve been through some things together and I’m glad for our friendship. Yet now I feel as if she’s dismissed me out of hand, and she’s walking into a relationship just because she’s lonely. I’m not sure if I should just tell her how I  feel and end it, or just kind of get over it and start moving on.

And I’m not sure if this response is coming in time to stop you from choosing the absolute ne plus ultra worst of two bad options, Sparkler—but man, oh man, I hope it is.

Because OH MY GOD, DUDE.

That first thing you mentioned? You know, the thing where you’re thinking of telling this girl that you’re not bitter or jealous or anything, but you’re just so grossed out by her lonely, desperate act of settling for the loser she’s currently dating that you can’t in good conscience be her friend anymore? DO NOT DO THAT THING. Please, for the love of all that is cheesy and delicious, do not, do not, DO NOT. In fact, I think you might want to duct tape your hands together and lie in the bathtub for awhile, until the urge to do that thing has well and truly left you.

Not just because it is a spectacularly bad idea (and it is!), but because—and I mean this with the utmost affection, sweet pea—it is a bunch of transparent baloney. You’re not observing this situation from high up in an ivory tower of dispassionate nobility, sadly clucking at the distant spectacle of a good woman settling for less than she deserves. You’re down here in the muck and mire of good old-fashioned jealousy with the rest of us slimy mortals, sucking on a big bunch of sour grapes just like every other human being who has ever felt passed-over by someone they really liked.

Yes, you are.

And also, of course you are. You’re a person! You have feelings! And not only is it totally okay for you to feel hurt right now, it is also totally normal and natural—especially since it sounds like you’ve been in heavy denial up to this point about how significant this girl was to you. All the stuff about how you’d mutually agreed not to date, how you weren’t that interested in her, and so on: that was you trying to bulls**t yourself that this was all no big deal, right? But since that particular line of b.s. has fallen apart, the solution is not to heap yet another line of b.s. on top of it, in the form of telling yourself that you’re totally not upset, you’ve got no skin in this game, you just feel so sorry for her ’cause she’s settling. The way to deal with your feelings is to, y’know, deal with them, first and foremost by admitting to yourself that they exist.

With that said, if you can be brave enough to do that, I have good news: The answer to your question (“Is something wrong with me that I’m not good enough for her?”) could easily be that no, there isn’t—because in fact, you are. I can’t help noticing that despite having discussed your relationship, you seem never to have actually come out and told your crush that you’d like to date her. And it’s not too late to do that, Sparkler. As a close friend, you have the standing to say, “I don’t want to get in the way of your happiness, but I really like you and it has been very hard for me to see you dating someone else.” If you’re lucky, it might even sway the girl in your direction.

Of course, if you’re unlucky, she’ll reject you and it’ll hurt, in a different (albeit no worse) way than it does right now. Maybe she doesn’t like you that way, not because you’re annoying, but because you’re not attractive to her—in the same way that every last one of your female friends probably isn’t attractive to you. Maybe she experienced a spark of chemistry with the “loser” she’s dating that she just doesn’t have with you… or for that matter, maybe you aren’t (ahem) the most objective judge of the guy’s desirability and he’s actually pretty cool.

Which brings us to this last thing, which I’m duty-bound to point out, much as it pains me: Among the possible reasons why you might have been passed over as a potential boyfriend is the part of your character that compels you to write a paragraph like your last one—where you lash out at the girl for failing to see you as boyfriend material, where you insult both her integrity and her taste in guys, and where you seem to imply that the “work” of being her friend wasn’t really worth it if a friendship is all you get out of the deal. Even if you haven’t said any of this stuff to her (and again, I reeeeally hope you haven’t), it’s still an ugly impulse to be harboring: resentful, entitled, disrespectful. It’s also the kind of thing that might make a person chalk you up as undateable, if your friend happened to catch a whiff of it at some point during the course of your two-year friendship.

None of which is to say that you have to settle for continuing a friendship if that’s not what you want, or if it’s too painful to manage. It’s okay to want more, and it’s okay to end the relationship if and when more just isn’t available. But first, you have to admit that it’s what you want. Have the courage to be honest with yourself and with your friend about your feelings. And if you’re disappointed? Have the maturity to be gracious, to not take rejection personally, and to move on in the direction of happiness and fulfillment, wherever you think that might be.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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