Auntie SparkNotes: My Friends Dumped Me and I’m So Conflicted

Dear Auntie,

This is a pretty long story, so I might just get right into it.

When I was much younger, I really liked this boy (His code name: F). He seemed like he was so kind and accepting and tolerant. However, his best friend (code name: U) hated me and was like a potion that would lower my self esteem every time I drank it/talked to him. I found that a large portion of my self worth was based on what he thought of me, and you guessed it, for that entire year I thought I was utter cow poop. They all had this thing where they would literally run away and hide from me if I approached them at school. Yes, I kept approaching them. No, I cannot take a hint. The first time I saw them do this, I was paralysed. I burst out crying and then they both tried to comfort me, it was really confusing.

Eventually, I became friends with the boys again, no romance involved.Throughout my treacherous crush on U, F had always been so kind and accepting. And for a while I thought I was genuinely friends with them. They said I was cool and I talked to them a lot. But then, F brought up that he was sick of talking about my mental health issues (I have them, if you hadn’t guessed already). When I told him I spoke about them because I wanted them to understand, he snapped that he didn’t want to understand. This eventually all culminated in a standoff where both boys said they hated me and didn’t want to be around a big black ball of negativity. They told me I was self centered and attention seeking, and when I tried to explain, they told me “ignorance is bliss.” I don’t understand how, but I managed to get all of my happiness to revolve around them.

So here’s the issue: I don’t speak to them anymore. I see them at school and it’s painful to see their faces, I hear them talk in class and it’s painful to hear their voice. Once I heard them talking about me in the hallway, and I had a panic attack so bad I thought the floor was changing color. I keep having dreams about them and I feel so awful. I can’t stand being around any reminder of them, and yet I feel I miss them. I feel so nostalgic for the times in which I loved them and thought they were heaven on earth.

My question: What the hell is this? How do I begin to heal?

And my answer, Sparkler, is that this is many things: painful, regrettable, sad, and complicated among them.

Or in other words, it’s a breakup. And breakups suck, no matter when they happen or who they’re with. Your conflicted, competing feelings—anguish, embarrassment, loss, and longing—are so awful, but also so normal. This is just how things are when a relationship ends. And that’s especially true when the breakup isn’t just a breakup, but also a harsh and heartbreaking lesson in how to lose friends and alienate people.

Because obviously, it’s never a good idea to let other people define your worth as a human being. You’ve seen firsthand how destructive that is to your essential sense of self, never mind your confidence and happiness. But what you also have to understand is that letting someone else define your value isn’t just damaging to you. The person you’ve made responsible for validating you suffers too, in different ways, for different reasons.

Which is a hard thing to confront, I know especially when you’re hurting so badly. It would be much easier to look back at this whole, sad scenario, and see yourself purely as a victim, and your ex-friends as a pair of unsupportive jerks who were grossly insensitive to your mental health issues. But as much as breakups are a time for being kind to yourself—preferably from inside a blanket fort surrounded by bad movies and multiple boxes of Cheez-Its—they are also, eventually, a time for introspection. Learning from your experiences is how you’ll avoid repeating them, and there’s no knowledge to be gained by wallowing.

And that’s why, after you’ve spent a few days in your Sad Cheez-It Cave, you’re going to need to steel your nerves and stare down this unfortunate, important fact:

When an otherwise kind and understanding friend tells you that he can’t take any more negativity and constant problem talk, that your need for attention and validation has exhausted the limits of his sympathy, he’s not doing it just to hurt you. He’s expressing a real and legitimate need for more balance in your friendship.

And if your response to criticisms of this type is to try and “explain,” i.e., to invalidate the other person’s feelings and derail the conversation into yet another discussion of your needs and your issues, then the loss of the friendship is pretty much inevitable.

Again, I know that this is the opposite of reassuring, and I’m sorry for that. But it’s still important for you to realize: The reason this falling-out has wounded you so deeply is that it was a one-two punch. You didn’t just lose your friends; you gained an excruciating bit of insight. You handed the reins on your self-image to these guys, and they used those reins to show you what you look like in the ugliest possible context, from the most unflattering possible angle (see: a big black ball of attention-seeking negativity.) And man, does that hurt. There are few things more painful than confronting the less-than-likeable side of yourself, even if you don’t already suffer from low confidence into the bargain. But if you can grit your teeth and really look at your bad side—and we all have a bad side that needs looking-at—there’s useful information there.

Specifically, recognizing and taking responsibility for your mental health issues—and seeking support for them in better, more appropriate places—will make you a happier person and a better friend.

So when you ask how to begin healing from the heartbreak of losing your friends, that’s your answer. For one, you almost certainly need to get some professional support for your mental health issues, so that you’re not dumping them all over people who just aren’t equipped to do that kind of emotional heavy lifting. But you’ll also want to engage in some honest reflection about what you can do, on your own, to fill that validation-seeking void inside. What do you like to do? When do you feel most engaged, most interested, most like yourself? If it were entirely up to you, and if there were no one else around to make you happy, what would you do to feel satisfied and fulfilled?

These are the questions you need to answer, because the answers are how you solve your biggest problem, the one that pre-dates your relationship with these guys: You need to take back the burden of your own self-worth, and learn to carry it on your own. You need to know and appreciate your value, so that you don’t need someone else to tell you what it is.

You need to like yourself, sweet pea—and to respect yourself, too, instead of being so starved for validation that you’ll run after someone who is literally running away from you to beg for attention. Believing that you deserve better than that is your first step to never feeling so desperate again. And you do deserve better. So start there, and hang in there. We’re rooting for you.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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