We all have those crazy crushes, right? They’re so intense it feels like your heart
just may explode when he’s near.
Ever have a friend who totally lost herself in such a crush? A strong confident girl
who suddenly starts spending all her time and energy on this guy, and less and less time
focusing on school, sports, her friends and family, and outside interests. Her
self-confidence disappears as she becomes more obsessed with her appearance and with
pleasing this boy. Before you know it your friend’s disappeared and there’s some scary
Stepford automaton in her place.
Your friend may be caught in the grip of The Ophelia Complex.
“O, what a noble mind is here o’erthrown”
Named for Hamlet’s longsuffering girlfriend Ophelia, who goes insane and drowns
herself after Hamlet rejects her love and slays her father, this phenomenon was first
observed by psychologist Mary Pipher in her book Reviving Ophelia. Dr. Pipher began
noticing a pattern in teenaged girls who allowed themselves to be treated really badly
by boys. They would hand over their personal power completely, become subservient to
these boys, and in the process submerge their own identity and their needs. The girls
often get depressed and punish themselves by not eating or with acts of self-injury,
like cutting. In extreme cases, girls have attempted suicide.
In Hamlet, Laertes, on his departure for France, warns his sister Ophelia not to
lose her heart (or her chastity) to the Prince of Denmark. Alas, it is too late. Ophelia
is already under Hamlet’s spell.
No sooner has her brother left than her father, Polonius, belittles her for
returning Hamlet’s affections. When asked if she believes Hamlet’s romantic advances,
she replies: “I do not know, my lord, what I should think.” Says Polonius in response:
“Think yourself a baby.”
Ophelia should behave like a child, in her father’s opinion, and obey him. He
attempts to curtail her individuality and keep her dependent on him. He essentially
removes her ability to express her thoughts and needs as a young adult. Psychologist Dr
Harriet Mosatche says: “Fathers who are absent, either physically or emotionally, give
the message that their daughters' concerns and interests are not important.” Both
parents should empower their daughter and reinforce her sense of identity and her
self-esteem. “Their words and actions are very important,” she reiterates.
Ophelia, treated like a helpless child, eventually becomes one as she descends
into madness. She poignantly weaves together snippets of childlike songs to express her
pain and grief.
If this sounds familiar and you are worried about a friend’s change in behavior
(or about yourself), the best thing to do is talk to an adult. Says Dr. Mosatche, “Girls
may feel they are protecting their friends by keeping quiet about troubled behaviors
they have noticed, such as cutting. But the best way to show you care about your friends
is by seeking out the help of an adult, such as a school nurse, guidance counselor, or
parent.”
You can also visit Dr. Mosatche’s cool new website
www.askdrm.org and write to her directly for relationship advice.
Three of her co-advisors are young people so she guarantees you at least 2 different
perspectives on your questions.
The best dating advice: Stay true to your values and interests. Be assertive about
your likes and dislikes. Going along with a guy's views just to please him will not lead
to a satisfying relationship. Remember, for a relationship to work, it must be mutual,
not one-sided.
“There’s rosemary, that’s for remembrance. Pray you, love, remember . . .”
The tragedy of Ophelia has inspired artists, musicians, playwrights, and poets for
centuries. Here’s a sampling of some of the great works of art that fulfill her last
request: that we remember.
In Pre-Raphaelite English painter John Millais’s Ophelia (1852), she floats down
the river, the flowers she mentions in her final scene drifting out of her limp hands:
French symbolist Arthur Rimbaud captured her spirit in a poem written in 1870.
Among its melancholic lines, “For more than a thousand years her sweet madness/ Has
murmured its ballad to the evening breeze.” Read the rest
here.
Heiner Muller, the avant-garde German playwright of Hamletmachine
(1977), gives Ophelia a powerful voice in his re-writing of the play:
Enormous room. Ophelia. Her heart is a clock.
OPHELIA
I am Ophelia. The one the river didn't keep. The woman dangling from the rope.
The woman with her arteries cut open. The woman with the overdose. SNOW ON HER LIPS.
The woman with her head in the gas stove. Yesterday I stopped killing myself. I'm
alone with my breasts my thighs my womb. I smash the tools of my captivity, the
chair the table the bed. I destroy the battlefield that was my home. I fling open
the doors so the wind gets in and the scream of the world. I smash the window. With
my bleeding hands I tear the photos of the men I loved and who used me on the bed on
the table on the chair on the ground. I set fire to my prison. I throw my clothes
into the fire. I wrench the clock that was my heart out of my breast. I walk into
the street clothed in my blood.
Natalie Merchant serenaded her on the 1998 album
Ophelia and plays her many faces
in
this music
video.
